From the city...

If this picture looks familiar, it's the same one from before at night. Central Park.

We went ice skating.

Inside the Guggenheim art museum.

On our way somewhere....

That's all for the photographic tour of our trip.. come back tomorrow for more adventures.

dm

Glad I have friends...

I don't know how to start this.
Nothing to really say I guess.
Slightly depressed that our trip is over so soon.
Slightly depressed that I'll be turning 23 with nothing to show for it.

-no title-

Shining bright like a summer's day
but cold to the touch
The light drains from the sky like the blood
rushing from my heart
Each time you graze my hand

Hard pavement and a soft sky
are all that we need
Nothing new under this sun
so let's make history
That you won't read about in textbooks

A connection like currents
running through veins
Fingertips are circuits
holding the voltage
Until the switch gets flipped

A gaze discovered
and returned
Follow these invisible lines
to a place I'd rather be
Away from wandering eyes and prying minds

Try as you may
this stays with me
Frost on the windshields
is a word frozen in my throat
I need some heat to set it free

Make a wish
and say it aloud
I can be a genie
in one way or another
It would be nice to get out of this lamp sometime.

dm.

Don't get your hopes up

I'm listening to the new Ataris cd with clenched teeth right now.
It's not bad, just different. I know it takes me a while to adjust sometimes, but this is nothing like their old stuff.. any of it. They're completely reinvented. Sad, in a way. I guess everyone grows out of the punk thing after a while.
I just learned something exciting about tomorrow.. I'm not telling yet though, you'll just have to wait.
The non-stop week of fun is coming soon. I really need to prequel it with a non-stop week of looking for work. That is if I hope to have any days of fun at all next year.

Back to Kris Roe's version of Snow Patrol.

dm.

Standing in the way

Reality is subjective.
It's more evident this time of year.
Look at all the kids waiting for the parade to end so they can give Santa their letters.
They're sure that he's really reading over them and bringing what they want.
Then look at the parents who recognize the guy dressed as Santa.
The look in their eyes saying "Don't get too close to my kid."
The man behind the beard trying to stay cheerful for an hour and a half until he gets his check.
Households, families, cities, states.
All upholding this lie.
The weather sattelite on Christmas Eve picks up a strange sight of a sleigh and reindeer.
Drunken uncles scoffing at the gullibility of children.
When really, it's just innocence.
Naivity is a virtue we can't afford when we get older.
We always have to be on our toes.
Reality is never objective, still.

I've been remembering my dreams a lot lately. I usually don't.
Last night I dreamt some weird things. Among them, I was walking around with my great grandfather. Not so strange or extraordinary, except that he died several years ago. We were walking down his street. Walking by his house, talking about what he was going to do (now that he was back from the dead, I suppose?) I asked him if he ever felt sad that we sold his house, as tears welled up in my eyes. He said yes, but he planned to get it back and live there again. We continued walking, as I held his hand tight, like a scared child. We just wandered down the street, chatting as if everything would be okay now that he was back. I think if I had a religion, he would be the bible. So, him rising from the dead isn't that much of a stretch. He is my Messiah. When I question the world, I look to him for answers and he always delivers.

More of the same.

(dm)

I can dish it out but I can't take it...

What can you do when you're up against a disease but you're not the cure?
There's not always an antidote.
Be valiant and fight your best fight.
Don't be afraid to ask for backup.
Sometimes the names that mean the most end up past tense and the result of a chisel's indents.

Three cheers for small victories.

++dm

The easy kill...

Looking back on some things, I realized that bitterness can turn into complacency after enough time. I guess when you have time and some perspective, things fall into place. Unfortunately that doesn't usually set anything in the present right.

Growing up is letting go.
I wish I could just get up and start traveling everywhere in the world today.
Some people see the future with clarity, I just have a blurry image and white noise.
I'm too concerned with right now anyway.

I just finished writing this, don't judge too harshly:

"I'm blowing kisses from the barrel of a gun
But you've got a vest and just won't run
I'm building a wall to draw this line
And you're waiting just to make the climb

If you could see inside of me
You'd turn away and hide your face
Endearing terms of my regret
Vacation in these past events

This isn't part of a life that you could want
Squinting at me like you're staring at the sun
This wasn't covered in the brochures that you got
You're falling backward just to see if you'll be caught

If you could see behind my eyes
And dig beneath my stash of lies
You'd sink into the sands of thought
And find yourself alone and lost

Maybe I'm the creep you've always wanted
If you've got the meat then why go hunting
Maybe you're the bed in which I slumber
You don't know the man beaneath the covers

Chew me up and swallow down
I'm the prince that's plotting for the crown
Abuse this priveledge constantly
Always talking but it's getting hard to breathe

This is the only way out
Following this tunnel through the ground
There's light ahead, we're almost there
Reflecting in the iris of your stare"

Love goes anywhere/dm

Poison hearts will never change

So I'm still alive after hitting a giant branch that the wind knocked out of a tree. There's a hole in my car, but I'm still in one piece. It was on the way back from a semi-productive study session for a test I won't do that well on, so it was a good night!

The breeze isn't the only thing that blows me away.
Holidays are always hectic, but so are we.
I want to lose track of time and stay lost.
Best friends are like coming home to your own bed after a camping trip.
New friends are extra pillows to make you even more comfortable.
Let's just say I'll be sleeping soundly tonight.

Catching up to what I left behind. dm.

You can't be missed...

...if you never go away. *cobra starship*

I like being by myself sometimes. Just sometimes.
I enjoy moments alone with my thoughts.
Just killing time like murder.
Hunting down a thought in my mind is like chasing daylight.
I'm following the edge of the horizon until it all blends together.
The ground becomes the sky and the sky becomes something even less tangible.
A star to wish on for every regret.
After that, start looking for streetlights.
The moon is full tonight, forbidding any wishes.
I can feel it pulling at my stomach.

Christmas is creeping quickly.
I can't wait until it catches up.

-Asleep or dead-dm-

Take apart your head

"Backseat Driving Under the Influence

I am a silent passenger
Following the scenery
Riding an unpaved road
Far away from uncertainty
The seatbelt like a noose
Pulling at my neck
Begging me to stop struggling
And let my feet hang
Street signs pass unnoticed--

I've lost faith in this pen
To write me out of trouble again
I'm losing hope that your smile
Will stick around to get me by
I can't find paper that can hold up
With the weight of these words
But I'm understanding that
You can never forget what you learn
The conductor beckons
And I'm following the wave of his hand
I'm a silent passenger
Following the beat of the band."

love is a currency and I'm broke.
dm.

Will Powerless

I feel helplessly young and old at the same time.
I feel contradictory like that.
It's strange because I'm happy, but not happy with who I am.
I could be more, but I don't feel like I have the motivation.
I wish I was one of the people that suceed despite the odds.
I feel like I use my disadvantages as an excuse. I don't want to.
Coming to this realization should allow me to overcome it, right?
I want to get past my fear of failure, or whatever this is.
I need someone to help me, push me past it.
I need somebody to kick me when I'm down and won't get up.

I don't know if this is the same for anyone else, but when I clean my room, or any room for that matter, I always tend to get stuck at one area. Like if I start out straightening up my desk, I'll be completely focused on that desk trying to make it perfect, losing focus on the big picture of just getting the room clean. I feel like that applies to my life, too. I'll get completely focused on one thing, and let everything else fall by the wayside. While I nurture this one crop and watch it flourish, the rest of my plants are dying without water. I just need to reach a medium where I can focus on several things and give them all appropriate attention. Would anyone like to help?

I'll keep pulling at this thread until it unravels like a thought in my head.

>love is a beat>follow it>dm

Waiting my turn to die

I write words that stay pressed between pages waiting for the day they're pulled apart to let the past out. Words can't live up to emotions, they can only mimic. Try being brutally honest in your writing, because when you read it again years from now, you'll still remember if you lied.

"Shelves

Describe to me a love story
One like this you can't find at a library
Following the punctuation
I only find myself lost in the pages
Looking through the words, I laugh
This reality caught in a paragraph
The feelings that ignite in lovers
Can burn the sheets bound between these covers
I worry that I've made a mess
Start a new chapter, send this one to press
Fighting for a copyright
Eclipsing any fiction you could write
The topics and the tales we tell
We'd do well to live life off the shelf
Eternal life on pages creased
And envied classic status will be reached"

I don't want to run away anymore.
I want to be stationary on this stationery.
Just change the letterhead.

love.dm.

You're a voice that never sings

It's rainy autumn weather, with the perfect soundtrack of the new Brand New record.

Staying in a secluded mountain town was quite refreshing. I took a walk on Friday night at around 9 and there were no cars on the roads at all. It was completely silent as I wandered along the edge of the road, sorting my thoughts. It was mostly a stay inside weekend; lots of scrabble and card games. Sometimes, though, it's the little things that make the biggest impact on your life.

I've got my arms wrapped tight around a good feeling.
I'm taking off the gauze and burning the bandages.

11/10/06

"These feelings fell soft
Like an autumn mountain snow
As you settle into sheets
Watch for the headlights' glow
Seek comfort in a candle
Burning on the window's ledge
Pray to be off in the distance
Staring from the canyon's edge

I've been walking these miles
From the valleys to hills high above
They leave me longing for solid ground
Where I can settle down and start up from

Well, the breeze fell fast
We felt it go by
You knew it was coming
Just a matter of time
Staring down on the good life
From a high winding road
If only we could get there
Down this treacherous slope

I've been walking for miles
Down valleys and up hills high above
They leave me to envy solid ground
Where we could settle down and start up from

Just a mile to go to reach the promised land
Engines fighting the incline reaching toward your hand
I think maybe one day we'll look back at this
And laugh at all the pain inside we'll never miss
I'll keep my eyes ahead to navigate these curves
But falling from this hilltop, nothing's sure."

Always keep your fingers crossed.

/luck & love/dm/

Right now they're building a coffin your size

Alas, I have not updated in a while. I've been busy... sort of. This weekend I'll be staying on a mountain halfway across the keystone state. Speaking of which, I'm running kind of late for that, so this is going to be a small update.

I'm feeling far away and we haven't left yet. Maybe I'll feel closer to myself once I'm out of town. Success of our friends can make us look at our own lives a different way. Am I wasting my time? I don't think so, I'm having fun. I still feel like a kid, it's nice to be able to be reckless when you can afford to. I've never been that party kid, getting drunk or high every weekend. I never will be. Being stupid while sober is so much better. I'd like to think being drunk off of laughter is more intoxicating and memorable than any processed grain. I hope I'm wasted all weekend.

>love >dm

The past is just the future with the lights on

"Take this letter and slit your kiss,
Let the words pour from the wound between your lips,
And fill the page with words I can't accept,
I've got letters of my own,
It's like the last real thing on earth is falling free,
Gravity, don't fail me now,
I'm scratching the surface again,
But never breaking in,
Watch the stars close for a sign from the heavens,
Codemn the lying faces hiding their cards,
But I'm no better behind a guilty hand,
All I can do is play what I'm dealt and watch the chips fall,
The explanation is in your eyes,
And the inflection of your goodbyes,
Succeeded by the sounds of good cries,
Sadness for the undeserved familiarity,
Smiling in between sobs,
Trying to regain the happiness of which you've been robbed."

+stop and smell the (p)roses+dm+

Time to get these seeds into the cold ground...

It's been feeling like fall, but tonight is the first night I've felt winter coming.
The moon is shining bright on the frost-nipped soil.
Leaves are falling from the trees like hopes once held high.
Sometimes it's best to ignore me; you've had plenty of practice.
My last entry was pretty downbeat, but to clarify, the time since then has been anything but. It's been all good times as of late.
Some old sayings apply better to science than society.
Save me some coffin nails, I'm putting the finishing touches on my grave.
Come to my funeral wearing a smile.
Dress in a suit and (sever your) tie(s).

...it takes a while to grow anything. ~bn

.dm.

Rant

I was having a good day this morning. Not for any reason in particular, I was just happy. Now I've got that metallic saliva taste in my mouth, and I can't seem to break a smile. I've tripped and now I'm just waiting to feel my face hit the pavement. I'm living in this falsity. (That's probably not a word, but I'm gonna use it to mean false reality.) At least I'm living I guess. A thousand happy days can't make up for regrets. Nothing much more to say.. be well.

dm.

Your whisper's like a bridge...

Currently Listening: Brand New - Sowing Season
Currently Can't Wait For: Brand New's cd, Nov. 14
Currently Hating: Good Charlotte's new single
Currently Thinking About: You

It's funny how a death in the family can affect you, even if it's an aunt you haven't talked to or seen in years. But, as I know, death is the only sure thing in life. I kind of accept this reality, but I still can't really rationalize it. I try to think of things in common sense terms, but no matter how many times I try to wrap my head around the idea of death, I can't do it. I guess that doesn't make me special in any way; cultures all over the world have been fascinated and perplexed by the idea of death and afterlife since life began. But, while thinking about it I feel alone. Maybe it's my lack of spirituality or my need to question the unknown, but it really gets to me. I just sit and scribble my thoughts, sometimes they rhyme:

"It Only Hurts When I Laugh

From the hospital sheets with the view of the courtyard,
To the funeral march in the sun with your headlights on,
Running this red light to get to the underground,
Fighting this urge to speak to your headstone now,
Turned up soil on the ground at your feet,
Next to tears for the words we never got to speak

And now we're left to wonder what's next,
Look into my eyes and you'll see my soul has left
With you,
And the moonlight's shining for you

Nostalgia can't explain how I feel,
Like a classic film that never left the reel,
And you're waving goodbye just by closing your eyes,
But you never meant to leave us alone

While I'm lost in the twinkle of the stars in the sky,
Your spirit tears away but there's a piece of you inside
Of me,
And the moonlight's shining for you

This can't be real, it's not right,
No, I'll never let you leave my sight,
And when I finally come to see you I know,
That this can be explained,
No, I'm with you here..."

.lovelost.dm.

I could still be ruthless...

The clouds look like winter's coming.
Sometimes I feel like a shut-in.
I'm disappointed.
"I'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go."
The leaves are showing their true colors. You should too.

I'm gonna go set a new personal record.
dm.

We are salt and you are the wound

Went to Central Park in Manhattan today, I really liked this picture of the city and nature; manmade vs. natural. Which is more beautiful? I have a soft spot for both, honestly. Probably why I enjoy this type of picture so much.

I'm about to go to a Halloween party, therefore: costume required. I can't do my original idea tonight, but I have to whip something up quick. Any ideas?

I've written a couple of things lately, I always get inspired when I'm at school:

10/18/06
"Compost

Why do we waste what is most valuable?
Time, our least abundant resource, is wasted more than any fossil fuel
Most all of us are guilty
Forget about nuclear fusion--
If we harness time, we can achieve anything
Anyone reading should tell me to take my own advice.
Time seems endless until we have a limit
What would you do if you just received that final eviction notice?
The closing time
When there's an end on the calender, you can fit a lot more inside those little squares
Each hour, you feel every minute, every second drop off the edge
Like a conveyor belt to a black hole
And you're stuck on the track, helpless to wait
Now is the time
To define your existence
Let pettiness and shame fall aside
Allow yourself to escape from your shell of skin
And open like a flower to the world
Absorbing every sunbeam and raindrop
Until the last winter leaves you brown and wilted to return to the earth..."

10/3/06
"So much talking
No one has anything important to convey
A new life
Potential for so much insight--
but isn't that true of each of us?
Wasted potential
Thoughts never thought
A critical analysis of wasted hours
A tear for every missed opportunity-
we're crying forever.
How do we learn to express and exchange these emotions
So many trying to sneak by life in the night without a thought at all
Why examine life when it goes on?
Why question when you can survive without introspection?
I'm asleep in a philosophical coma--
wake me in a like-minded world."

I'm off to pretend I'm someone I'm not. (It's okay, it's the only time of year that it's cool to admit that)
dm.

A stone's throw away from a rock fight

Bad Religion is still amazing, start listening to them again.

I wrote this the other day--
10/12/06
"Reconstruction

Cities are like people
Each with a different face
Beautiful from afar, bright
But delve inside and find darkness
Find loathing and sadness
The city with the steel exterior
Is weak and crumbling from inside
Crying out in vain
Never loud enough to permeate
The bloodflow of traffic
Every bus and taxi traveling through the heart
Visitors working their way inside
With no other purpose than to hurt
To rob and steal and leave a gaping wound
A red billow of cells pour outward
Sending a smoke signal to be seen for miles
Burning away the rivets and steel that hold us up
Until we can stand no longer
Collapsing, leaving so much of ourselves deceased
Broken, now people give their attention
Lying quiet, eyes on alert
Darkened streets echo sirens unheard
As a new dawn breaks, you salvage what's left
You prepare yourself daily; rehabilitating
For the day you will stand tall again
Showing the world a new face--
A fractured, but stronger face
You watch the world with new eyes
Cautious of each car crossing your brightly-lit waterways
Living to love and give and be hurt again
Jagged and reaching for the stars
Outshined by the glow of our skylines"

We fit like jigsaw pieces from different puzzles. dm.

"You just can't fill up my glass as fast as I can finish"

-Just wrote this. Something to think about.-

The imaginary line on my glass is half full
And we're out of time- never learned this back in school
What can we say?
What can we say but--
This is your class, it's an ordinary life
Can't fail or pass, but you're not doing fine
Circling the drain and you can't fight the current
Drowning in your thoughts but can't stop them burning

So we're expected to die for a messiah,
and float above while others cry,
When we're content with being lied to by messiahs,
This fear and fate will rule our lives

If thinking is a crime then you can find me guilty
Read the standard lines, filled with hypocricy
What can we say?
Don't know what to say but--
Just raise your hand in opposition to the crowd
This too shall pass if we shout it out loud
Fight through the multitude of "solitary thinkers"
Their lips move fast, but we can we can sure as hell think first

So we're expected to die for a messiah,
and float above while others cry,
When we're content with being lied to by messiahs,
This fear and fate will rule our lives

Who am I to mess with destiny?
Who am I to say that I can absolutely see?
Who am I to pressure destiny?
Who am I to say the things I really want to say,
The things we're all afraid to say?
Everybody give my best to destiny.

dm.

I can't do this all on my own

I've come to know 5AM as bedtime. I've also become well-aquainted with that feeling in the pit of my stomach like something is horribly wrong and what's worse is that I don't have any idea what it is. However, on a lighter note, I've downloaded the 13-part miniseries on the American Revolution I plan on watching soon. I'm a dork, history really interests me.

My thoughts, they have teeth
And these words are the bitemarks on your neck
My gazes are sharp
These looks are the scars of the future

We can only become what's left over,
the cream at the top of the milk,
the byproduct of a better working machine,
steam above water.

Don't fix what's not broken.
Don't reach for what's not there.
Don't try to change the wind.
Don't forget to write.

.abyproductoflove.dm.

Running in a dream and it's like slow motion...

It must be a joke played by the gods when there's nothing at all to do some of the time and other times there's so much to choose from you can't make a choice. Tonight was the former, nothing really to do. Took a drive, hung out and watched dogs fight, and went running.

I want so much to open your eyes cuz I need you to look into mine.

Marching past each open window
Screaming inside with our eyes
Wishing to join the ranks
Reaching inside with our minds
Don't stray your gaze
To the greener grass nextdoor
Bear dead-ahead with purpose
And find so much more

.lovenofear.x.fearnolove.
.dm.

Stormclouds & Heartbeats

The rain is witness to perfection.
The drops fall in sync with my heart's beating.
We are clouds ripped apart by lightning,
making a thunderous gesture to rejoin one another.
Savoring this cold and wet embrace,
I become numb to the weather.
Staring deep into that beautiful unknown,
I sound out smiles.
I hold out a departure until the smallest morning hour.
As the rain stops, I bid this love adieu..
and wait eagerly for it's return.

.lovegetswet.dm.

Headlights on a Dark Road

Walking through the darkness, a light appears in the distance. Unexpected and inspiring, I am reaching out towards it, but still miles away. I savor each moment the light washes upon my face, for I know that at any moment it could dissapear like a mirage in the desert. So tie my hands back, and I'll tread on towards the brightness. After staring for so long, I turn away dizzy and disoriented. Each awkward step forward brings me closer to brilliance. Step, step, one at a time, careful and unyielding, until I am one with the light.

Some things I wrote a while ago:
9/19/06
"Rhetoric"
How are we supposed to move on?
True, life waits for no one--
but it stops altogether for some.
Without justification or warning
How do we find closure?
If love is eternal,
although this idea seems as man-made as religion,
how do you love again?
Wouldn't you simply be loving more?
How big can a heart get?
How much love can one fist-sized organ hold?
My poetic hands can't grasp this romantic feat.

9/20/06
It's time for me to say hello to letting go
Time to wake up and greet defeat
I wish I could give you a pint of the ink flowing through my veins
So you could write my story
Burn the words that should never have been penned
I'm weighing the odds and you're tipping the scales,
yet I'm hesitant to publish my results
I'm back and forth like a pendulum;
I'm ready to stop
I wonder who might be whispering in your ears as I listen to the ringing in mine.
---------------------

With every word you said,
with every breath you left,
every smile you sneak
and each laugh you squeak,
another look that screams
for a brand new dream.

+lost at the loved & found+
-dm-

The pros and cons of breathing

Summer's getting colder...
I've been thinking all day and I don't think I've had a complete thought.
It's easier to think about inconsequential things. For example:
I'd like get some fireworks soon. Just watching something sparkle and blow up makes me feel like a kid.
Remember Razzles? They were candy then gum. They were awesome.
I'd like to learn to play piano someday.
Skiing season will be here before you know it, you can bet you'll find me on the slopes the first opportunity I get.

I'm going to continue my trivial thoughts elsewhere, somewhere a lot colder.
Goodnight.

.lovelost.dm.

Sometimes it just feels better to give in..

I'm feeling numb. Only in my head though. I don't feel safe.

I know it's not what you deserve.

Let the lightning strike me down.

You know where to find me. Watching my reflection. Judging.

Staring at my own lying eyes as I tell myself I'll be just fine.

Goodbye.

This has been said so many times...

I love the night time. I love stars. I love cool nights after hot days.
Everything seems so much more genuine, but at the same time more surreal.
Sometimes I think I can feel myself getting older.
It's like you can just sit back and watch time pass by.
I don't think it's possible to love too much, but it seems like it sometimes.
Think of the best night you've ever had.. just that one that always will put a smile on your face, no matter what's going on...
Now set out to make more of those moments, because this is when it counts.

~loveorleave~ .dm.

Cyanidentification

How come I sleep through things I'm supposed to be up for, but when I need to get to sleep I can't do it?

I went for a drive the other night. Just the road, my thoughts and the rain. Though I did stumble onto a pot of gold.
Another rhetorical question: why do all the words that have been in my head suddenly escape me when I finally have the opportunity to get them out?

I'm almost through mourning the summer, I'm looking forward to the first snow.

Six Flags tomorrow morning.. this morning... gonna go read Haunted until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.

>live.love<
dm

Something dies when you grow older..

..but you do the best you can. - bn f.o.y.demons

I'm uncomfortable right now; uncertain, worried, anxious, overwhelmed.
Just not feeling myself today.
Like I'm a beta version of a program that's well advanced from where I am.

I want to be proud.
I want to make people proud-- the real proud, not the kind they tell you to make you feel good about yourself.
I want to do something worthy of a smile and a wave.
Every day that passes is a page in my past, I know I could have written something better.

All motion is pantomime.

I'm walking in the rain just to try and steal some thunder.
I need to be struck by something to electrify me again.
I never really burn out, just get dimmer sometimes.

It's like trying to be your shadow.
As hard as you try, you can only be three-dimensional.
You can touch your shadow, but you can't really feel it.
It can mimic a lot of your motion, but can't have a personality.
Except I'm my own shadow and I can't get to myself.
And I can't reach out from the wall I'm cast on.
I'm stuck, emotionless and dark.
An outline of life.
A mimic of motion.
Existing only because of a light-
Shining like a happy ending to our story, started so long ago.
Someone flip the switch and turn me out.

please enjoy the writing while your party is being reached:

Dot your i's with my heart
and sign it with an X and an O
Postmark the envelope with love
and send it back in time to me
I'll keep this letter open
along with my door
Before I die, just let me wake
The sight and the smell are more than I can take

--> This mess written on recyclable life <--

d(ead)m(an)

I'm burning like a beacon..

Surrounded by water, feels like I could never drown fast enough.
Waves crashing, grieving for souls it has already stolen.
I watch the ship sail into the wind, over the horizon.
Away from this jealous shore.
Every grain of sand on this beach is a missed opportunity.
The cool night air gently caresses my face before it smacks me hard like the end of summer.
Let's combat the cold a little longer.
Hold it at bay for another couple months.
Let's climb monuments and watch the land stretch out over miles.
And watch skylines light up as the sun goes out.
I'll bring some parts of home to foreign soil.
Spend some time at the water's edge restoring feeling to your hands.
With a soundtrack of cds we've ruined for ourselves.
The life of an autumn night.
These are the pebbles to your windowpane.

----------------------

Ringing in your ears like a hanging note.
I'm turning up the bass and the treble.
Hear me screaming from the speakers.
Feel my vibrations in your fingertips.
Sing along to the words you know so well.
Am I your favorite song?
Tap your foot to the beat I follow in your mind.
Sway your shoulders with the melody.
Breathe in and out with the rhythm.
Close your eyes and see the landscape I invent.
Nod your head with each changing chord.
Cymbal crash--I'm gone.

+love is in the details+dm+

We are the monsters underneath your bed

All your idols are creased and glossy
Measure their worth by the weight of their shadows
Don't waste your breath
Mirrors are the enemy
March on
Down with the empire of cover up
Stop creating another eating disorder
Find another hole in the fabric of true love
Follow this addiction down a well-worn path
Wake up the alarm
Explore the vastness of the inner skin
Choose your company by the beating of their hearts-
not the swelling of their heads.

Autumn (weather, at least) brings the best setting for love. No snow to be tackled into, but the cool air just seems to require smiles and beckon for hand holding. I think of autumn as a time to be in a park for some reason. It just seems right. A park at night, with fallen leaves all around, sitting on a swingset facing opposite directions under a single streetlight. It seems ideal anyway.
Here's to dead leaves and long sleeves.

--love--
dm

Don't hate me....

...because I'm beautiful.

Treat your eyes:

Love me.
I do.


My sister's wedding is tomorrow, I have to go mingle with family now.

*dm*

I've been thinking...

September.

It seems like just the other day I was surprised it was already August. The summer has been good, but I feel like I've slept away too many days. I need to spend this month making up for August. The night air is cool, a fitting welcome to the month that ends summer.

This town will never be the same.

I feel very nostalgic tonight. The weather paired with the stereo playing Konstantine has me dwelling in days past. It doesn't take much.

I would like to do a choreographed dance on a treadmill.

I'm writing something. It's the beginning to a story. Don't call it autobiographical. I'm not sure what it will end up being. I feel like I could go somewhere with it. I have a lot to say, it just seems like I don't have the words to say it. I've wanted to write a screenplay, but if I do, I think I'll start with a short novel type of story first. I can't write in just dialogue, I need description and words. I want to build a picture in someone's mind, not on a movie set. However, I need to get these pictures out of my mind before I can present them to anyone. No one will read it anyway.

It's not hard to dream...

It never gets easier

I still sing along to the same songs.
I laugh at the same jokes.
No news is good news.
Sitting in park and riding the brake away.
Follow the taillights.

Don't hate me.

This message will self-destruct...

Comfort can come when and from where it is least expected sometimes.
Another night playing chicken with the sunrise, but never feeling more alive.
Is it funny how trying to be original can turn into conformity?
"Trying to stay afloat in shallow water."
The masts are holding up your sails that will pull this vessel out to sea and away from here.
The plumbing has sprung a leak, but the workers are all on holiday.
So let the basement fill up and drown like this life.
Or take the wheel and leave this fear.
Beauty is more than skin, it comes from all angles.
I'm through being cool.

These messages are all manipulations. +dm

Clouds our way

I've been absent for a while.
Not idle though, more like lying in wait.
Early mornings have a new look to them.
The sun paints the sky blue and my face with a smile.
I don't know if someone has anything to do with that or not.
Summer has almost reached it's end, but it's not over by a longshot.
We've still got plenty to do.
Night swimming should be number one on the list.
I love when movies imitate reality (my current reality at least.)
We need to get around the campfire again.
Nothing like crackling flames behind a soundtrack of good bands and best friends.

I don't want to be the lake that supplies the rivers of your tears. dm.

¦±¦

I feel like a bug that's been stepped on, but can still twitch a few legs.
I sit in this bubble as the world passes quickly by.
There's no protection from the coming rain.
My gut speaks, but no one is listening.
This is my white flag waving.
Rise and then collide.
Turn up the music to avoid confrontation.
Sometimes it just feels better to give in...
it's you I can't deny.
Indecision is playing loud on the radio.
I need some anesthesia, too.
Knock me out and pick me back up if I fall.
I know I'll be safe here.

Aim for me

My mind is holding my life at gunpoint.
Can you feel jetlag even if you were driving?
Obsession isn't always a bad thing.
My eyes are the bow and my thoughts the arrow.
I'm aiming for the apple of your eye.
Bring me back home.
(dm)

Genuine and unprepared...

I feel like I'm always saying goodbye.
I'm leaving tomorrow night for Chicago for the rest of the week.
It's going to be a busy day tomorrow, but on the way to fun.

Today was pretty awesome. Jimmy, Mandie and I went to Red Bank to meet none other than Kevin Smith.. the man himself. We did just sit around on the sidewalk for about 5 hours, but I had a good time anyway. Meeting him was great, he was really sociable and nice and took pictures and signed all the shit I had. He's really as cool as everyone makes him out to be.

My fears are rising as I'm covered by the shadow of men more than me.
Fading out like an amp that's lost power.
Scars without stories or successes.
Silence, can you hear me?
Let guilt subside.
It's not what you deserve.
I light up in the night just to illuminate you.
Don't hide who you are.
Hard as you try, the only person you can't lie to is yourself.
Fight off your demons.

"You're slipping out the back, did you really think I wouldn't notice?"

"Misuse is practice, perfected and played. In time I'm gonna get what's mine."

Don't call me towards the end.
Sit and see the sunrise.
Drowning in an ocean, feeling like it's a fishbowl life.
Pulling up these stakes that have been holding me down.
Tell me what it feels like again?
Coming out from behind my skin.
Stripping off the ivory, I can't be played like a piano anymore.
Know me by the dust on the road.
You can't know these hands until you know what they've penned.
Send me a souvenir, post it with hook, line and bait.
Don't worry, even if I miss you to death, you won't really die.

--dead to the world wide web for a while--

<-*-> dm

I am Jack's raging bile duct

The heat hits you like a slap in the face when you walk outside.
Then it knees you in the gut when you sit in your car.
The slow relief of air conditioning is hardly enough.
Tomorrow is Warped and it should be interesting, being that it's supposed to reach record high temperatures.
I'll just drink water up until I walk in the gates.
Couldn't be much worse than last year when I drank before going in and felt like I was going to pass out about an hour into the show.
Think happy thoughts.
The sounds of night are alive outside, but I'm inside with the still, warm air.
For once, I'm hoping for rain.
Well, I'm not tired, I'm going to sleep now.

Headaches and nailbiters

How much can I confide after walking 2 miles?
I can hardly catch my breath, my thoughts are far behind.
My head feels heavy, I don't know if I have too many thoughts in it or too much alcohol.
Alcohol is as bad as credit cards.
Listen to your grandparents.. not the alcoholic ones.. and leave it alone.
My side is killing me and my heels hurt.
The last day of July... meaningless of course.
I'll most likely sleep the day away since it's almost dawn now anyway.
Do pleasures just lead us away from what is truly righteous?
Is righteousness not true pleasure?
Goodnight, and hopefully not goodbye.

More later

Here I am where the sun can't reach me.
2PM and it still feels like the morning.
I hear whispers from the shower, all indiscernible hisses.
Losing day, but looking forward to night.
Hard to believe it's almost August.
I need a reason to dress nice again.
Tragic Kingdom was/is a great CD.

Take your cold, cold heart and drown...

..and don't forget to take deep breaths. +TAI

I'm glad I can still be amused as easily as when I was younger.
Give me a friend and some nintendo games and I'm good to go.
Last night we took a trip to the pretzel factory, one that was long overdue. It was pretty awesome, hanging out in the city while it was lightning like crazy and eating pretzels.
However, my plans to stay up all night never seem to work.
I've got a busy few weeks coming up, but they're going to be fun.
I'm well on my way to the best summer ever.
And I'm only about one step away from actually being paid to be unemployed.
I feel like a big bum in a way, but technically it is my money, and I have been working basically since I graduated high school. I feel like having a break. I'm enjoying myself for a while.
()()>

Blood on blood

Afternoon is the new morning.
My reflection is different but I'm still the same.
My story can be printed on recycled paper.

Last night was drinking and fun in ocean city.
Apparantly to get on the rides for free, all you have to do is ask.
We got on the log flume, house of mirrors, bumper cars, and (dave and travis) on the spinning bears.
It was great. Throw in some bubble hockey and underage girls and you've got our evening.
Apparantly it just takes a dollar in quarters for guys to prove they're tough.
On the way out of oc we stopped at the park and hung out on the play ground for a while.
Somehow, we managed to elude the police the whole night.

I don't think ghosts are actually physical apparitions, but the manifestation of our own regrets that haunt us until we can make peace with them.
Unfortunately it's not that easy to do.

I've got some calls to make.
Anyone know of any job openings?

Mind over (you don't) matter

back from va.
good times, lots of walking.
quite a few scrapes and cuts from cement and trees.
campfire conversations and nights slept under the stars (or the rain.)

sometimes it's hard not to blur the lines between dreams and reality.
i ran (away) 3 miles today.
why did i start running in the summertime?

coconut rum and coke is a great drink.
gotta pace myself with them, though.

you're nothing more than a pickpocket.
what you stole wasn't for you, i was saving it for someone special.
just a thief in sheep's clothing.
a con artist.
stockpiling matches to burn all those bridges.
hurry, before gas goes up again.
you're yesterday's news and today's refuse.
dm.

Your Guts (I Hate 'Em)

So I've been silent for a few days, but not idle.
I went to see Reel Big Fish and MxPx on Friday and Sunday. The fish put on their usual amazing performance and MxPx was quite good as well.
The past two days were just spent relaxing a little bit, staying out of the 100+ degree heat.
Tomorrow I leave for Virginia for 5 days. We'll be living it up at water parks and historical tours.

Of course I can't go without mentioning the reclaimation of our trio, the three of us back together again, getting wasted and acting stupid like old times. We were on a bumpy road for a while, but we're heading back in the right direction.

Don't come lookin' for me cuz I'm up in the treehouse
Can't you read the sign? It say "no girls allowed"
dm.

See you next week.

Everyone here hates everyone here..

for doing the same thing that they do. -ltj

I think it's time to let it go.
Leave it alone.
Take your own advice and keep it to yourself.
I know being a hypocrite is in these days, but go against the grain for once.
So talk all the shit you want, but don't let me hear it.
And I'll do the same.
Pretend I don't exist.
And I'll do the same for you.
The world's better off that way.
I don't need this daily petty drama.
Just let these sleeping dogs lie.

Someone needs to give you a busted lip...

..to match the rest of your face. dm.

Just so you know: anorexics are sad, not sexy.
But, please skip another meal so the other side of your face caves in.
And if you think the metal in your mouth is the only thing stopping your supermodel career, I'd think again.
Unless, of course, you're aspiring to be the "Before" picture for a rhinoplasty clinic.
If so, good luck with that, you'll do very well.

You wouldn't know a good thing...

...if it came up and slit your throat.

I'm surprised you can walk upright after laying down for everyone.
I had that dream again where you're tied to the train tracks.
I got there just in time to pull up a seat and watch the gates come down.
Hoping sweet dreams come true.
I never knew the real meaning of 'good riddance' before now.

Oh, and we're giving David Copperfield the challenge.. I mean, he can make the Statue of Liberty disappear, but this one might be tricky.
Ha.. tricky.

It should be a good week.. no work to worry about.
Casinos will be one night, although I don't plan on spending much... who does?
Tuesday is the Early November show and their CD release- buy it, it's great!
Wednesday is anniversary dinner at the best Italian joint around.
Friday is Reel Big Fish and MxPx!!
Saturday is dinner with the grandmother and sister.
Sunday is Trip Kings at the Troc- buy tickets, they're only 10 bucks!!
Looking forward to a good week, but I've got some work to do in between all the festivities. Finding a new job for one thing. But unemployment sounds nice for a while.
I'm so tired, I'm going to bed right now.

Music from the window

Quiet, lazy afternoon.
Stewing in my thoughts.
The irony in insincere apologies.
A means to an end.
I know you're not supposed to wish time away or you'll end up wishing your life away, but just this once it might be worth it.
Why am I still inside?
I've been awake for 4 hours and my phone battery is almost dead.
I've come to embrace the delete key.
Erasing from online.
Erasing from my phone book.
Erasing from my life.
Dreaming of fall.
Changing leaves.
Changing lives.
Your (sex) life of crime.
I'll have more free time now.
Maybe I'll read a few more books.
"This story's getting old. The homewrecker with a heart of gold."
Any time now- it'll be back like a boomerang.
Let's get on with it.

No more bets

You're just like the A.C. games.

Drawing people in until they realize there's no real payoff.

Always open and inviting until they've lost it all.

The house always wins.

Stop burning bridges..

"...And drive off of them (please) so I can forget about you."

-----> <3
New song.... thanks for the inspiration.

Close the curtain on this confessional
and slit your wrists
Cause hell's too good for you.
And don't pretend it's unintentional
You had the itch
Let me scratch it 'til you bleed the way I do.

I hope you feel like martyr
As I squeeze a bit harder
Around your throat.
I'll push you to the edge now
A little farther
And down you'll go.

I listened to you say it like you mean it
Now you can hear me say it like I hate you.
All those words I had to force out
They just meant I wanted you to lay down.
And you can listen to me laugh
When the shards from your broken glass heart
Puncture and tear your lungs
Until you can't utter another fucking lie.
----->XO

"Cause you're beautiful just not on the inside.. light comes from within, those beaming eyes don't seem so bright." ~ Saves the Day

Maybe it's not a cheerful intro, but it's gloomy outside, so it's fitting. I feel like I haven't been on here in a while. Been having too much fun away from the computer I guess. That's not a bad thing. My day off for the 4th of July was awesome. The night before we went out to celebrate my buddy Danielle's birthday at Applebee's. Maureen got to come for a while and drink with us. Then she spent the night and we slept in before going to my Dad's for swimming and BBQ food. We were drinking Mike's Hard frozen Lemonade, so we had to stay until I could see straight again. Then, I got to play some poker later on with the guys. I'm about to do that right now actually, but with a bigger group of guys at the bowling alley.

Go see Superman Returns! It's good.

dm.

The internet is the new bathroom wall...

and away messages are the new graffiti. dm.

Feel free to set yourself up for the fall.
Like a standing domino just waiting to be tipped.
With all that hot air, it won't be long before that house of cards gets blown down.
The charges are set, just make sure to clear the area before you trigger the implosion.
Just know I'll be watching from the grandstand.
Like a race fan just waiting for the inevitable crash.

Sleep tight. Keep one eye open.

A Still Life Franchise

I am narcissistic.
I think before I act.
I am candid, but I hide my feelings.
I can be opportunistic.
I bleed.
I care too much.
I don't care enough.
I clam up when I have a lot to say.
I lose sight of the big picture sometimes.
I feel.
I think I deserve answers.
I don't.
I hurt people's feelings.
I tear myself up inside.
I feel like I'm owed something.
I know I owe a lot.
I care.

"Always feeling paralyzed, am I a still-life with vital signs?"

Is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry?

Bars suck tonight.
People-watching is depressing.
Seeing groups of friends is like trying to walk on a broken ankle-- almost impossible to do and harder to believe it's a leg you might be able to walk on again one day.
Like a widow watching a happy couple.

Old haunts are full of new ghosts.
New thoughts are filled with old jokes.

dm.

Where does the rain come from?
And what are clouds?
Were the oceans always just there?
It sounds like a children's book, but I really wonder.
Was it all natural evolution of the universe?
Evolution from what?
Did God put it there?
Don't get me started.
We're all a mystery.
I know I can't solve it, but I can't help trying to put these pieces together.
It seems that every time I feel like I've got a piece of the puzzle, it gets shattered into a thousand more.
The search becomes regression.
Better off accepting what's here and now, but I'm pretty sure I'll be shattering puzzle pieces for the rest of my life.

Choke

"At lunch today, the kid tried to eat his corndog while it was still too hot and almost swallowed it whole, but it got stuck and he couldn't breathe or talk until the Mommy charged around from her side of the table.
Then two arms were hugging him from behind, lifting him off his feet, and the Mommy whispered, "Breathe! Breathe, damn it!"
After that the kid was crying and the entire restaurant crowded around.
At that moment it seemed the whole world cared what happened to him. All those people were hugging him and petting his hair. Everybody asked if he was okay.
It seemed that moment would last forever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved."
~Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk

That was a great book, I just read it and that was one of many parts that stuck out to me.

I'm going to the bar tonight, but I don't feel much like drinking. At least they have wings, too.

It's all a little too much.

Flying at Tree Level

Coming home sucks. This time it does, at least.
Maybe it makes it easier.
No missed calls, no messages to return... less work for me I guess.
Right.
But also, no more nights of bonfires and beer on the beach.
No more sleeping so close to the ocean that the waves sing me to sleep.
And no more learning about the history of aviation at Kitty Hawk(even though I only really believed that man could fly after I met you.)

Sand falls through my toes like time in an hourglass.
It sounds cliche, but I think I just made it up.
As I look around me, everything is illuminated in perfect darkness.
Everything seems permanant like footprints in the sand on the edge of the ocean.

The waves sound far away, but I imagine them reaching far in from the shore and swallowing us up, because then I'd know what exactly I had to do - try to stay afloat - even though I guess that's what I'm doing anyway.

The ocean wears away at rocks, making them smooth and faceless--
An interesting contrast from what time does to people; it adds more shape and definition with each great wave that hits our shoreline, until we are finally swept away for good, to return only as seafoam in others' memories.

Let's go down in history...

The second hand smoke is still stuck to my tongue like dried grease on a frying pan.

Today was my friday at work, I'm off for three days to make it a five day weekend. I'll be putting it to good use, plenty of time to spend on the beach. This week has been bittersweet. So many ups and downs. I feel like a ghost in the walls just sitting back and watching this all happen. I'm not happy with everything that's going on, but I try to focus on the good stuff rather than the bad. I've spent too much time focusing on the bad parts of life.

"...and when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises." - The Alchemist

Losing friends is like having phantom limbs. You always have the memory of that person and when you laugh at a joke you both laughed at a million times, you almost have to look around to see if they're somewhere laughing with you. It's like they're right there when you need advice because even though you can't hear them, you know what they would say. Unfortunately, they haven't perfected prosthetic friends just yet, so no hopes for that operation. Maybe with some therapy...

I'll be absent from here for a few days, unless by some chance I find an internet cafe or buy a Sidekick. Don't worry though, I'll return with plenty of words to fill the void.

Unhand me

Woke up sweating in last nights clothes.
Can every morning start like this?
Humid air as thick as the thoughts I've been having lately.
Bound to break open in a thunderstorm soon.
Your name in lights.
I'm out of this fight.
I'm deserting the company.
I'm leaving behind the battalion.
Hoping for peacetime.
This is my dishonorable discharge.
I'll be waiting out the war.

My capillaries scream...

2 hours of sleep and still not tired.
I'll feel it later.
Too much on my mind probably.
Everything is pretty amazing that has been happening.
The coincidences, assumptions, one-liners and retaliations.
I don't want to be in the assumptions category, so I'll wait to find out for sure.

I guess you're not gonna score this one.
Too bad, the plan was laid well.
The hints dropped in just the right places.
Subtle glances thrown but deflected.
You're an open book and you're an easy read.
Please judge by this cover.

But if you left it up to me...

everyday would be a holiday from real.

I wrote this last night, but I'll post it now anyway:

It was hot today, I managed to spend the entire day not wearing shoes. Of course, I didn't do anything really. I lounged around, watched Friends and Family Guy DVDs. I took a couple drives, went to see my dad since it is Father's Day. I got him a grill set, which he put to good use and made me a hot dog. I went swimming with Ryan at his aunt's house and then we played a few good games of darts.

Currently listening to: Dashboard Confessional's new cd. It's growing on me.
"I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight..."

Part 2
The last 11 hours were possibly the most emotion-filled moments I've had in quite a while, and that's saying a lot considering everything. It's just that I think I felt every emotion I possibly could, a sampler of emotions if you will. I didn't like a lot of them, next time I just want the happy. I suppose "wow" does sum it up. I don't think there's anymore I can say about it really.

It's humid.
Yawn(emotional nights don't allow for much sleep.)
Wrap me up in plastic. That's a good cd.
Be careful not to ruin anything.
Don't blink, you might miss the part where I care.

I'll have a real update later.

Pictures and Paper

It could happen at any moment
Time is replaced with non-existance
Your heartbeat turned to a silent shudder
Flowing blood slows and pools
Synapses fire one last time
Your eyes roll back
Their eyes fill with tears (or so we'd like to think)
Dreams become unfinished novels (would they have ever been written?)
Your home is now silk and cedar.
Oxygen turns to carbon dioxide.
Slowly lowered into this perfect rectangle of earth.
Slowly lowered into the backs of minds.
Flesh becomes part of the food chain.
And the rock above is nothing but a weaping stone.
You become the synapses in someone's memory that will one day meet the same fate.
Until one day, only pictures and paper may remain.

"As your memory hangs on a hook in the closet, I wonder what I've become. You were such an inspiration, and I never let myself be inspired. If only I were half as strong as you were. Half as proud. Half as intelligent. You knew what you wanted and you went to get it. You could spin everything in a positive light. Eyes with the power to melt anyone they saw. Just one photograph, but far more moments to remember. You had high hopes but you would have achieved every dream you had. There is no doubt in my mind you'd be more successful than any of us already. We both knew there's no master plan. If there was I'd be in your place and you'd be here making everyone's lives better instead of me here doing the opposite. You loved more and were more loved than I knew anyone could be. Now that your memory hangs on this hook, limp without your shoulders to hold it up, know you're a permanant fixture in my heart."

If you're calling me out...

...then count me out

It's hard to type with a band-aid on your finger.
I don't feel like driving back to Philadelphia tonight, but I have to.
I hope it's nice out tomorrow, it would suck to waste a day off work.
My brain is working overtime and my fingernails are paying the price.
The sky was nothing but a miserable grey all day, just threatening rain.
I was thinking about writing a screenplay again, I feel like I have something to say. I never finished my last one, I'd like to follow through with this one. Maybe I'll start tomorrow if it rains.
I bet it's sunny in San Diego.
I think acoustic should be a mood.. cuz I feel that way a lot.
The sky is a dirty orange and it's staring at me now.
Do actions really speak louder than words? Or are words just used to excuse the actions?

Crush.
Dwell.
Demise.

Under this condition

I wish your life made you go =o)

What do you do when everything is overanalyzed?
I like my standpoint/attitude towards a lot of things, but sometimes I wish could be more like other people that don't care about anything and can let everything roll off their back like nothing ever happened.
The way I see things is very different from how some of my friends see them.
Sometimes a duck is a duck.
Don't try to figure it out for so long that by the time you do it's a dead duck.
Kinda like this, don't try to figure out what the fuck I'm talking about because I hardly know myself.

I've got new shirts hanging with the tags still on them.
I'll wear them soon.
Not a good weekend for food service.
I need to get some sun.
I wonder what kinds of things foreign history classes learn about the United States.
I want to take a foreign history class.
Bingo. I'm going to bed.

I am Jack's tired eyes

I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve and frankly, I think I need a new wardrobe. dm.

Yesterday I got to spend some time with myself until I went to meet Kelsey, Anne, Sharyn & Jen in AC. I ate, gambled quite a bit, and drank a decent amount all on $32. Of course, I won some money at the tables, too. I slept on the most comfortable futon ever last night and I slept like a baby.

Today was a lazy day mostly. We went to Philly for shopping. I had no luck finding a Father's Day gift.. any suggestions? We ate at Johnny Rockets which apparantly was a mistake, since the service was terrible. We came home, chilled for a while and then watched Fight Club. Finally! Haha, I think my neck is starting to tense up again, what can I do?

We're all a part of the same compost heap. Goodnight.

Do you find me dreadful?

There's a great feeling you can have when you wake up-- not when you're woken up by the alarm or someone yelling at you that you're late-- just when you wake up on time and know you have some time to play with while getting ready. It's nice to just be relaxed and not rushed. But the best part of that is the fact that you have no idea how the day will go after you finally wake yourself up and get out the door. The state of not knowing is pretty amazing, I think. I just stop and think sometimes on days like that- days like today- this day could turn out to be the best day of my life.. or the worst.. but I prefer to think positive. Just try that sometime, dwell in that moment of uncertainty. Embrace it, but know that you control the day, it doesn't control you, so think positive even if it seems like the good stuff is hard to come by and you might be able to make something out of it.

So today was great, save for a minor detail that was my fault and is easily fixed. I got my new car, a 2000 Nissan Altima. I like it a lot, and that's the first time I can say that about a car I've owned. I've liked some, but this one I genuinely love and picked out myself.

The sudden downpour after work flooded the streets and most of any hope I had that we'd still be going to Ocean City. But, somehow, again, the skies cleared for us and we had a cool, but nevertheless dry, walk on the boards. We made the obligatory fudge stop and I had to show off some bubble hockey skills.

We did some shopping at Hamilton Mall (I say we- I was just there to offer opinions and arms to carry things, for I have no money left.) Got some nifty stuff. And the winner of the most time spent in the dressing room award is...

You make my <3 skip a beat.

We decided to go to Olive Garden, but once we got through the door, we realized we had actually stepped in to the Ghetto Pub. It was like one of those dreams where you know where you are and what's supposed to be on the other side of that door, but when you get there, it's all wrong. But hey, even the Ghetto Pub makes a bangin' alfredo gorgonzola!

A nice night under the near-full moon and stars, walking along the water (which you have to watch out for when I'm around, it seems), running from the law.. well no, still walking.

Tucked under blankets, you can sleep easy and ignore the ringing in your ears.

Sweet dreams.

Staring at pixels

I don't feel like I have a lot to write about, I just feel compelled to write.
Played a few losing hands at poker tonight at the bowling alley, then we bowled a few games.
Then we went to Denny's.
Now I'm here staring at this screen.
The blinking cursor is begging for something to do. "Type something! Anything!"
Cincinnati, here we come.
A mini metropolis.
It will be a great city, but then again, any city would be a great city...
Can't wait.. start the countdown now - 13 days and counting.
I am looking forward to it, but I want to enjoy everyday right up to it just as much.
We can do that.
I have to say goodnight.
Goodnight.

Interviewed

Intoxication.
Can't feel my lips that well and my teeth are numb.
How can I bring tears and smiles with the same utterance?
The stars are piercing the sky.
Thoughts are forced to the forefront as I follow the interlude.
Broken bottles on the dotted line.
Pure intentions.
I lead with hopes that you'll follow.
You are my fire inside.

This won't make sense next time I read it.

Photographic rundown of the trip..

Nowhere I'd rather be....

Hands down..

Take perfection and stretch it over a weekend- that's the best way I can describe the past 2 days.
From your door to the diamond was a stop and go situation in more ways than one.
As the dark clouds parted, the sunshine returned to my life.
Meteorologists couldn't have seen this coming.
The warm night air swept us through the harbor to an unreal elevation.
The city lights glow almost as bright as your eyes and my smile.
If only we could live in a photograph, I'd set the timer and watch the red light count down to bliss.
Sitting on water, it's hard to leave the cityscape behind.

The surprise is somehow kept secret until the time is right.
The morning (well, afternoon) is spent with caged beasts and youthful innocence of wonder.
Next we walked the museums and Mall (not that kind of mall.)
Living through the camera lens, we traveled in history.
A sunset scene slowly ends the day.
The soundtrack in my mind is playing out loud.
How does it feel?
In the perfect atmosphere, the magnificent landscape escapes me, save for the monument of beauty and intrigue that sits beside me.
As the music slowly leaves my ear, a more amazing harmony replaces it.
A flawless moment.
We walk away from this place, hard to move on weak knees.
Going home is always bittersweet.
Thanks for this smile.

Meet me at the crash

My thoughts.. a constant companion.

The blue sky erupted with a sudden downpour.
The twilight stars fell from the sky to meet my heart on the ground.
Plans and hopes crashed like a commercial airliner at full speed-- not just hitting the ground, but shrieking across the pavement, sparks flying, as pieces break off and disintegrate in massive balls of flames, leaving behind a destroyed landscape and an unknown number of casualties; the body count is still rising.
Just back up and give this jet another chance to land- this time it will be smooth.
If you need something to be sure of, I'm still here.

I'm going away this weekend and considering my sudden fear of flying.. we're gonna drive.
Here's to happy landings.

Drop a heart, break a name

It's officially June. So to celebrate I'll share something I wrote.

The Wounded Wall.
"The light reflecting off of the blacktop reminds me of her somehow. For that matter, almost everything leads my thoughts to her in one way or another. 'She would like that. She would think that was funny.' The constant thoughts have built a wall that falls apart when she is not around. I feel it start to crumble every time she hangs up the phone. I hear it crack each time she leaves and says goodnight. Each syllable she speaks is a brick to repair the wounded wall. Every smile is the mortar that holds them together. And every touch is the bright blue sky that provides the backdrop. So it goes, daily. As the bricks fall, they wait to be replaced. So when I am alone, I anxiously anticipate that familiar vibration with a hope that this wall could forever stand in my mind."

I'm feeling blah, for lack of a better (or actual) word.
I stand in between the confusion and the complexity.
I feel like a rat in a maze, only here to be observed while I hit dead end after dead end searching for the piece of cheese that isn't hardly what I expected it would be when I reach it.
I'm going to go to bed before I wear a hole in my brain from pacing back and forth in my thoughts.

Sleep tonight...

I'm sleepwalking in dark circles around your eyes. dm.

Life should be like Pop-Up Video. Does anyone remember that show? It was great, and it would be perfect for explaining things in life, too.

Tonight was drunken walks on the boards of a dry town.
Some people got "party-boyed" and we stayed out of jail.
The world's biggest slice is too big for me.
The waves mimic my thoughts- pulling back and then reaching out and crashing down.

Is it possible to stare at the darkness?

I'm sending a goodnight kiss in the cool breeze to you. (So leave your window open.)

Day off...

"Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating."
Tell me what movie it's from and you get a prize.

It's funny how your the outcome of your day can be contingent on one thing.
I suppose that's probably a bad thing.
It seems that there's still hope for today.

Get back to me.

Love Like Winter

We're alive.
Consciousness is surreal.
Perception is fatally flawed.
Good intentions are dust in the wind.
Regrets are just broken brain waves.
We're meant to be here.
Beliefs are too easily skewed.
Dreams are fragile-- and shattered everyday.
Personality is exclusive, but quickly molded.
Time is relative, but overdefined.

You can't define an emotion, you can only feel it.
Love can't be limited, nor can it ever be expressed enough for one to understand the true magnitude of it.
But it's only human to try.
So I'll keep trying.

Post Script
Sometimes trying to explain how you feel to someone is like juggling for a blind person or singing to a deaf person. It makes you feel completely seperated from a normal plane of existence when you have this thought inside of you and all you need is the right words to articulate it, but they completely evade you. Ten thousand words can come out and not one of them can do what you intend. It's like putting a puzzle together when 10 of the edge pieces are missing- you can't even get the shape right, so how can you start filling in the blanks? Just know it's simple yet hard to explain, and amazing yet excruciating at times. Sorry about today.

Hot & Humid

"The poets are just kids who didn't make it and never had it at all."

I don't really believe in luck or anything, but I think I may be cursed. It seems like no matter what I do, how much I try, I seem to screw things up. It's no one's fault but my own, but I do it so efficiently. That's all on that subject, I won't dwell.

Yesterday was awesome. We started by going to my dad's barbeque, which was really just 4 of us sitting on the deck eating hot dogs and talking about the weather and things. I saw a picture of me from about 5 years ago. It was pretty funny to see, I looked ridiculous. I had turquoise hair... it was a fun time. Then we had to get fudge, so we went down to Wildwood. There was a surprising lack of traffic on the way down for a holiday weekend. We went to the arcade and discovered that i'm the master of the claw machine! I got Woody Woodpecker, first try. I could have gotten every other one in there, too. But, who needs more than one Woody? We got fudge and headed down to the "casino." We played video poker and slots to win a bunch of tokens. We got a little skee ball in, but not enough. After quite a while of pondering, we decided to get 2 army men with parachutes and give our other 250 tokens to a group of kids who were ecstatic to receive such a gift. We headed home, I had some of the fudge- it was even better melted... Then my car started overheating, so we stopped for a minute to let it cool off. It's always something with my car. We got home and chilled out for a while. We figured it was a good day to make chocolate covered strawberries, so we started boiling water and melting chocolate chips and we did it. I only had one, but it was really good. We had more food from the grill and watched Two for the Money. I wasn't sure about it, but it's a good movie. Too much sitting down time gave us the energy to go for a run around the block. Some sweat, tears, and a little bit of vomit later we ended up going out for a drive since it was so nice out. Once the car started overheating again, we figured it was time to call it a day. So, we hung out and watched some SVU and MTV for a while before we parted ways and went to sleep. Yep, cursed.

Anyway, this morning I got up early and headed the the zoo with a group of us. Cape May Zoo that is.. in Cape May Court House. The zoo was hot, the animals were sleeping and we held people up to take a picture. That was that, so we came back home and got ready for Nathan's graduation/birthday barbeque. And that pretty much brings us up to date and back to the first thing I wrote about being cursed. So, wish me luck on the next thing I'm bound to fuck up. So long.

Friends... what can I say? Some people just don't match the definition I have.

Simply a look can break your heart...

I feel like I should throw up my hands, but they're busy holding on for dear life.

It was a good night, looking back. Went to dinner at Adelphia. Saw X-Men 3. I suggest seeing that movie, it was very good. Really unpredictable. Went to the Camden waterfront for a while and enjoyed the beautiful, slightly humid, weather.

Technology just makes us slaves sometimes. Away messages, text messages, cell phones and blogs can just drive you crazy. I love it all, but some days I wish it would just go away.

I got the new AFI cd, it's awesome. It comes out June 6, so definitely pick it up. The single is still one of my favorite songs, but the rest of the cd is superb, especially the intro- of course. The new Less Than Jake is a little disappointing, but I'm still listening to it, it's already grown on me a little.

I feel like taking a walk, but I'm also completely tired and ready for bed.

"Self-deprication seems okay.. I never thought I'd make it anyway."

You can be sure about me... no matter what.

Under Construction

Turn off the lights that are flooding the hallways of truth.
I always feel better when I'm in the dark.

This ballgame might go into overtime.
The game is on the line, but I'm second string.
Not a very good chance I'll be called to the field.
But I can't just sit on my hands on the bench, I want in.
I might have to sit a few plays out, but I'll be on the line before the night is over.

I'm never even tired at 1AM anymore. Not that I'd be able to sleep if I just tried to go to bed anyway.

Too many thoughts crowding my brain.
Making the commute to my heart and it's already rush hour there.
Thinking about opening a new tunnel at my wrist to relieve some of the congestion.
Avoid this highway at all costs.

Ring finger

Can we stay gold please?
I don't have the strength to be tempered.
I like the state I'm in.
Just the right composition and strength.
Maybe not strong as steel, but it's better to be able to bend a little sometimes.
I won't make your skin turn green, I swear.
I can't promise I won't turn it red though.
You can wear me out whenever you want.
And I'll stay home in your jewelry box waiting for you to pick me out.
I hope you feel like getting dolled up tonight.

A whispering campaign...

I wish

the figurative flame

could be extinguished as easy as

the literal one.

Fold on the dotted line...

I wonder if lack of sleep really takes years off your life.. if so, I should only have a few months left to live. And it's a murder. I hope this killer has a conscience.

I think my face is like a black and white TV screen and my brain is flashing in color.
It's like I watched a butterfly hatch and grow into something amazing and then just pulled off each wing in spite of it's beauty.
There's not enough glue in the world to reattach them now.

You call me out with each distracted glance.
Believe it or not I'm happy.
Tired, yes, but happy.
I'm tired in that state where I can't fall asleep.
Your shoulder is comfort, an escape.
My tired eyes are like faded print on a newpaper, don't try to decipher them.
My heart is an origami organ, just waiting to be folded into something beautiful.
Are you ready?
I'm ready.
I wish I said what was on my mind.
Your shirt was speaking my words, give or take a few letters.
Bonsoir.

I'm going to be tired...

Spend all my time trying to read your eyes and all I get are silent lullabies. dm.

Anticipation of being tired is almost worse than being tired right now.
Technology creates drama.
Uheard and unseen, but still alive and well.
This pain grows underground and I'm just the flower blooming above.
Good thing I don't use my ring finger that often.
Looking forward to breakfast. Goodnight.

Reward for Information

Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Heinrich A. Sheep should contact me immediately. Don't involve the police or they'll kill him!

Seeing (not so) straight

Numb teeth.
Friends or enemies??
Fate or choice?
A call with no answer.
Shimmy shimmy quarter turn.
Constant dance ends.
The amp in my head does not.
Tired and alone.
Time for bed.
Way to ruin the surprise.
That's very annoying.
Congrats on the right keys.. good night.

Silence in black and white

Hangin' out alone in the dark.
This is what I call a party.
Nothing but the glow of the computer screen and the bass from the speakers downstairs.

Everything has been pretty surreal lately. It has all been good. Which, given the past month or so just makes me think the other shoe should be firmly dropping on my heart any second now. In that case I suppose I have the option to be all emo about it and act like it's already happened or to enjoy it right now and hope it never happens. Yea, that's the road I'll take. I'm at the fork in the road, but I think someone switched the signs.

So back to the good stuff. The past couple days have been stellar. Especially yesterday. I only had to work until 12 at work, so afterwards, I met up with my sidekick and we went shopping. It's true, and I'm guilty of actually indulging in the sport, not just being the spectator this time. I got some good stuff, thanks to my fashion coordinator. We saw the Da Vinci Code, which was actually pretty good. Unfortunately, the group of Christian protesters outside were too late to let us know that seeing the movie was blasphemy. Guess we're going to hell.. what can you do? We ate at Applebee's and decided it was time to swing back home. Really, we swung. Swung? Is that right? Swang.. no.. We did some swinging.. no.. Traded spouses.. yea, that's it. And then, since it was Friday night, we figured we had to do something worthy. You guessed it, kids: we did a puzzle. I know you're jealous, but it was invite only, sorry. Had to work this morning, but after that, I went to deliver a birthday gift and do MORE shopping. I spent another $200! Again, worth it, at least for the comfortable shoes. And later, I ate a smurf and there was more puzzle action. Now, something about dancing... I'm not sure. Until later tonight probably....

Post Script: There's been a kidnapping. More later.

Sing like you think no one's listening

It's at that point where it's not quite dark, but not light out anymore. Some people have their headlights on and some people will wait until they can't see anything. Everybody rocks out in their cars when they're driving. I don't want to stop when I get to a red light. I'd rather keep singing and have everyone look at me funny. It's great when you see someone singing at the top of their lungs from across the street when you hear no music at all. It looks absolutely ridiculous and you start thinking "that must be what I look like when I'm singing. I'm gonna stop when I get to a traffic light."

I like standing at empty intersections in the middle of the night and watching the light change in silence. Yellow. Red. Then from red to green. It seems pointless when there are no cars anywhere to be seen. But, still it dutifully changes on cue, back and forth. Maybe it's just a habit that it can't break. Or maybe it's just a programmed traffic signal. This won't make sense next time I read it.

Let's toast to future therapy sessions!

Note to self: Don't wait 'til 2AM

A chilly spring night.
I need to borrow some heat.
You can have some of mine if I can have some of yours.

Follow my stare, I'll lead you in.
Synapses can't fire fast enough to meet you.

A sudden desire for perfection(though you're nothing less.)
Abandon small spaces and listening for squeaks.
Trade it in for candlelight and sheets.
You're still alive on my fingertips.
You belong in this empty embrace.
Permeate the fabric of my dreams.

Can you still feel the butterflies?

Like a butterfly from a cocoon, this beautiful night rose out of wreckage.
Unassuming waves creeping closer, eavesdropping.
This is how heart problems begin.
One thought creates a thick air in between.
So close to being released from the confines of the mind and freed into open arms, but then pulled back in.
Seeming so near, then slipping away like the moon.
I hope you can read my eyes, yearning.
I wait for an oncoming utterance from you-- intercepted.
Words locked behind gorgeous crimson bars.
The key lost.
Don't worry, I can pick this lock.
Cracked, but there's no such thing as instant gratification.
None needed, I'm already elated.
Yellow signs and power lines are the only other witnesses to this exchange.
An unburdening of my soul, long-overdue.
Pulled over.
A moment of sheer indescribable emotion.
I want to live inside this feeling.
Joy has overtaken and steered home.
"You're all kinds of beautiful as you end my day..."
I predict no sleep with an empty space by my side.
I hope you can rest with a smile on your face now.
No longer looking forward to dreams since there's no way they could be better.
Good night. Sweet dreams.

Eyes wide shut

Staring down the city through a set of brass knuckles.

The night has closed in.

The sheets are beckoning.

Put a closed sign on my eyelids.

But we're still accepting phone calls.

The problem with spitting something out is that you need to have put something in first.

I feel like I've been exhaling for a long time now, but there's no oxygen to breathe in.

Absence makes the heart grow jealous.

Who's disappointed in the finale of Prison Break?

There's keeping suspense and then there's just being rediculous.

Who am I kidding? I'll be there next fall; see you Monday in 5 months.

Smile, I'm tired.

Tiny grains of sand

"He is a walking contradiction. Fittingly, he finds it enjoyable and annoying at the same time. He is often overconfident, and it shows in the way he walks. But, when you look inside there's just a kid full of doubt in every step he takes. He's egotistical and takes everything to heart. He feels like everyone's actions are based on him somehow, yet he is usually alone thinking that nobody cares about him at all. He feels lonely in this world, but there is rarely a time when he isn't surrounded by friends. There is nothing standing in his way except for himself and he's not moving. He always says to look on the bright side, chin up. But he doesn't practice what he preaches. The boy that always seems jovial is in a pessimistic turmoil on a regular basis. He doesn't want anyone to worry, but he's silently begging for someone to care. Someone. He dreads his dreams and is currently looking forward to his favorite nightmare. Let the kid sleep."

Why do British people put a "u" in words like colour and favourite?

We took a trip to the beach, but the sun stayed at home. It was waiting for us when we got back. I realized I need some practice at skee ball and that I should never try to play Dance Dance Revolution. I'm still good at bubble hockey, though. Shut out!!

The sun is setting, that just means the day is starting.
Night is always better anyway.

What's your favourite colour?

Need to shave..

It turns out Domino's is open late for pickup on Saturday nights.
Lucky me...
The employees sure are chatty though.. kept me there for a while.
Good thing I ordered the sugar free Fruit Loops special.
Ok, enough with that... I just really enjoyed the pizza.

Tiptoe past the guard towers.
Spoken subtext and wandering eyes.
I hear birds chirping in the dark.
Apparantly you can't trust vibes.
Not always so easy to leave.
Slide out the front, ninja style.

Comatose but audible

"And when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face? (or take this to your grave)"

I wrote this song today, I'm currently working on recording it. It's a little rough, I may change some things later.. and there's no second verse yet. Work in progress:

-living on the blurred line of friendship-
"Thanks for salting the knife wound you left in my back
And thanks for all the good times I know we'll never get back
Thanks for making it seem like I meant something at all
And don't forget to look back while I watch you fall
Into this endless abyss of what I guess you deserve
Walking miles aways saying 'thank god you're not like her'

Do you think you could come up with something slightly more cliche
Than burning bridges at night and dodging glances all day?
Worrying eyes hope he can't see you're just a whore
I hope you ride this sinking feeling straight to the ocean floor

So just don't pretend that you feel sorry for this
And don't act like your remorse is something I can resist
Follow this bullet from my tongue and wish it hadn't been said
Cuz you deserve to be bleeding if that's how you treat your friends"

I never thought I had a gambling problem, but I can't stop placing the losing bet that you've changed. dm.

Keep your enemies close, but keep your friends closer.
Best friends are ties that blind.
Keep yourself inebriated so you always have an excuse.
Living in this standard ruin.

This is a war.
Losing friends in battle.
Burning bridges.
Fights like bombs exploding in a small town.
Sifting through the debris to see who made it out alive.
When the smoke clears, no one is ever the same.
Take your cyanide pill now.

The rain stopped

And the weather outside is nice, too.

Felt compelled to update before 8am.
One soggy walk and a conversation later and I feel much better than I did last night.

No more depressing entries, ok?
Deal.
Now I'm gonna be late for work, so until next time.

In the rain (and in the rain)

Perfect night for the occasion.
A walk in the rain is fitting.
Water soaked shoes and hair dripping in my face always helps me think.
A nice metaphor for my soul.
Just serves as a reminder.
I could be your John Cusack.
Don't forget.

I worry, I wonder.
But should I call?
The choice was yours.
The ball was in your court.
It was your move. Only one away from check mate.
But the phone stayed dark.
The room silent.
Concern will get the best of me.
As soon as I dry my hair so it won't drip on the phone.

What a beautiful day.

Wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel...

It's just like me to tear out my own heart while it's still beating.
I try to sew these halves back together, but this thread is made of you.
And you keep tearing me apart, so I've got this heart in my hands without a pulse. dm.

You're flying this plane.
Don't let us crash.
I'm walking on the wings and I'm working without a net.
Throw me out the emergency door.
But at least give me a parachute and soft place to land.

Thanks for salting the knife wound in my back.
It turns out the blade severed some major arteries.
I'm bleeding out.
Put pressure on my wound.
You're the only one that can save me.

"So make my bed the grave and shovel dirt onto my sheets."

Counting holes in the ceiling

I'm trying to invent new ways to say I'm sorry.
Believe I never wanted to be the one that hurt you.
Quite the opposite actually.

Set the stage.
But this play was doomed from the start.
Going against the grain is usually a bad idea.
Follow the smooth path and take it as it comes.
It's like I've run into a wall in a dark room.
I'm frantically looking for a light switch to understand.
Hoping it's just the wall that holds the door to a better place.
I'll only be on this side temporarily.
But once I find the key to that door, I'll be in.

Wishful thinking by a madman in the dark?
Or hope from a hopeless romantic?

Hard to say right now, cuz I'm still running my hands across this wall in darkness.
The lights flicker on for a split second.
Just enough to let me see, but not enough to piece this puzzle together.

I don't know when to shut up sometimes.
Left with such an awkward embrace.
Wishing the asphalt would open up and swallow me and my car.
It might make more sense at this point.

Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes that make me melt inside..

Tired eyes.
So why aren't I sleeping?
That's always the question.

This bed was made for two.
The pillow is only comfortable when shared with your head.
The space next to me is like an empty parking spot.. but it's reserved.
So I'll lie alone and wait for dreams to bring you to me.
You can park here anytime.

I just wanna break you down so badly..

Who's the author to my story?
I've got some creative suggestions for him.
I don't like the plot twists.
And I could do without the character assassinations.
So- Letter to the Editor: You're not gonna sell many copies of this one.

Some things make you wonder why you ever cared about anything.
Why expend the effort if you just end up hurt?
Sure, there's some lucky instances where there's a happy ending.
More often than not, though, the hero doesn't get the girl and you don't ever walk off into the sunset or fly in front of the moon on a mythical creature.
The hero dies in this one.
There is no sunset.
The only mythical creatures around here are true friends.. heard of them, but haven't spotted one yet.

Wasted energy wondering.
Concern for a stranger, it seems.
I should have been concerned for my own health.
I'm pretty sure my labwork will come back positive.
Results: Already dead or fading fast.

"You're what makes New England so great."
Hey, at least you're not dead.
Gotta give props on the timing, though.

Lower the flag to half-staff, my soul was killed in the line of duty. dm.

"So it's sad this doesn't suit you now.. and me fresh out of rope... So take me and break me, make me strong like you..."

I don't think I saw the sun today...

Chrysler building.. gotta give credit where credit is due- Diana took this pic.

At the Bamboozle!

I'm still at the top of the world.

My eyes burn.
Why am I more tired if I sleep longer?
The dudes finally got out of prison.. does that mean it's over?

It's Tuesday, what are you doing tonight?
Apparantly it's time to buy stock in bottled water.
If you do the math, it's more per gallon than gas.
But don't forget about cereal, it's makin' a comeback quick.

I almost forgot we're starting a one-song cover band, get ready for us.
I wonder when we'll put a man on Mars. (Or make the public believe we did, like the moon)

Time for bed.
I'm gonna go have another one of those dreams where I feel like I'm falling (for you.)
dm.

Bamboozled

Both days of the Bamboozle were awesome. So many good bands played and just being there was fun. There was a slut light post that all the girls had to hang around all day. And some guy even climbed it tonight. After the show last night, we got pizza and beer. I ate a little and drank the same. We were beat last night, as we are tonight. We were up to see the sunrise this morning at least.. The pizza went to waste, but the beer did not. We drank up the remaining 9 before we walked over to the show this morning.. ok, this afternoon. It was only a three day weekend, but we did so much stuff it seemed to last a long time. I miss it already. The drive home was okay til we got to 55, then I started drifting off and Diana was already out, but clearly, I made it home. I really should be going to sleep now. I'll put pictures up tomorrow.

Is there a Hampton Inn around here?