A Still Life Franchise

I am narcissistic.
I think before I act.
I am candid, but I hide my feelings.
I can be opportunistic.
I bleed.
I care too much.
I don't care enough.
I clam up when I have a lot to say.
I lose sight of the big picture sometimes.
I feel.
I think I deserve answers.
I don't.
I hurt people's feelings.
I tear myself up inside.
I feel like I'm owed something.
I know I owe a lot.
I care.

"Always feeling paralyzed, am I a still-life with vital signs?"

Is this the way a toy feels when it's batteries run dry?

Bars suck tonight.
People-watching is depressing.
Seeing groups of friends is like trying to walk on a broken ankle-- almost impossible to do and harder to believe it's a leg you might be able to walk on again one day.
Like a widow watching a happy couple.

Old haunts are full of new ghosts.
New thoughts are filled with old jokes.

dm.

Where does the rain come from?
And what are clouds?
Were the oceans always just there?
It sounds like a children's book, but I really wonder.
Was it all natural evolution of the universe?
Evolution from what?
Did God put it there?
Don't get me started.
We're all a mystery.
I know I can't solve it, but I can't help trying to put these pieces together.
It seems that every time I feel like I've got a piece of the puzzle, it gets shattered into a thousand more.
The search becomes regression.
Better off accepting what's here and now, but I'm pretty sure I'll be shattering puzzle pieces for the rest of my life.

Choke

"At lunch today, the kid tried to eat his corndog while it was still too hot and almost swallowed it whole, but it got stuck and he couldn't breathe or talk until the Mommy charged around from her side of the table.
Then two arms were hugging him from behind, lifting him off his feet, and the Mommy whispered, "Breathe! Breathe, damn it!"
After that the kid was crying and the entire restaurant crowded around.
At that moment it seemed the whole world cared what happened to him. All those people were hugging him and petting his hair. Everybody asked if he was okay.
It seemed that moment would last forever. That you had to risk your life to get love. You had to get right to the edge of death to ever be saved."
~Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk

That was a great book, I just read it and that was one of many parts that stuck out to me.

I'm going to the bar tonight, but I don't feel much like drinking. At least they have wings, too.

It's all a little too much.

Flying at Tree Level

Coming home sucks. This time it does, at least.
Maybe it makes it easier.
No missed calls, no messages to return... less work for me I guess.
Right.
But also, no more nights of bonfires and beer on the beach.
No more sleeping so close to the ocean that the waves sing me to sleep.
And no more learning about the history of aviation at Kitty Hawk(even though I only really believed that man could fly after I met you.)

Sand falls through my toes like time in an hourglass.
It sounds cliche, but I think I just made it up.
As I look around me, everything is illuminated in perfect darkness.
Everything seems permanant like footprints in the sand on the edge of the ocean.

The waves sound far away, but I imagine them reaching far in from the shore and swallowing us up, because then I'd know what exactly I had to do - try to stay afloat - even though I guess that's what I'm doing anyway.

The ocean wears away at rocks, making them smooth and faceless--
An interesting contrast from what time does to people; it adds more shape and definition with each great wave that hits our shoreline, until we are finally swept away for good, to return only as seafoam in others' memories.

Let's go down in history...

The second hand smoke is still stuck to my tongue like dried grease on a frying pan.

Today was my friday at work, I'm off for three days to make it a five day weekend. I'll be putting it to good use, plenty of time to spend on the beach. This week has been bittersweet. So many ups and downs. I feel like a ghost in the walls just sitting back and watching this all happen. I'm not happy with everything that's going on, but I try to focus on the good stuff rather than the bad. I've spent too much time focusing on the bad parts of life.

"...and when each day is the same as the next, it's because people fail to recognize the good things that happen in their lives every day that the sun rises." - The Alchemist

Losing friends is like having phantom limbs. You always have the memory of that person and when you laugh at a joke you both laughed at a million times, you almost have to look around to see if they're somewhere laughing with you. It's like they're right there when you need advice because even though you can't hear them, you know what they would say. Unfortunately, they haven't perfected prosthetic friends just yet, so no hopes for that operation. Maybe with some therapy...

I'll be absent from here for a few days, unless by some chance I find an internet cafe or buy a Sidekick. Don't worry though, I'll return with plenty of words to fill the void.

Unhand me

Woke up sweating in last nights clothes.
Can every morning start like this?
Humid air as thick as the thoughts I've been having lately.
Bound to break open in a thunderstorm soon.
Your name in lights.
I'm out of this fight.
I'm deserting the company.
I'm leaving behind the battalion.
Hoping for peacetime.
This is my dishonorable discharge.
I'll be waiting out the war.

My capillaries scream...

2 hours of sleep and still not tired.
I'll feel it later.
Too much on my mind probably.
Everything is pretty amazing that has been happening.
The coincidences, assumptions, one-liners and retaliations.
I don't want to be in the assumptions category, so I'll wait to find out for sure.

I guess you're not gonna score this one.
Too bad, the plan was laid well.
The hints dropped in just the right places.
Subtle glances thrown but deflected.
You're an open book and you're an easy read.
Please judge by this cover.

But if you left it up to me...

everyday would be a holiday from real.

I wrote this last night, but I'll post it now anyway:

It was hot today, I managed to spend the entire day not wearing shoes. Of course, I didn't do anything really. I lounged around, watched Friends and Family Guy DVDs. I took a couple drives, went to see my dad since it is Father's Day. I got him a grill set, which he put to good use and made me a hot dog. I went swimming with Ryan at his aunt's house and then we played a few good games of darts.

Currently listening to: Dashboard Confessional's new cd. It's growing on me.
"I won't sleep if you won't sleep tonight..."

Part 2
The last 11 hours were possibly the most emotion-filled moments I've had in quite a while, and that's saying a lot considering everything. It's just that I think I felt every emotion I possibly could, a sampler of emotions if you will. I didn't like a lot of them, next time I just want the happy. I suppose "wow" does sum it up. I don't think there's anymore I can say about it really.

It's humid.
Yawn(emotional nights don't allow for much sleep.)
Wrap me up in plastic. That's a good cd.
Be careful not to ruin anything.
Don't blink, you might miss the part where I care.

I'll have a real update later.

Pictures and Paper

It could happen at any moment
Time is replaced with non-existance
Your heartbeat turned to a silent shudder
Flowing blood slows and pools
Synapses fire one last time
Your eyes roll back
Their eyes fill with tears (or so we'd like to think)
Dreams become unfinished novels (would they have ever been written?)
Your home is now silk and cedar.
Oxygen turns to carbon dioxide.
Slowly lowered into this perfect rectangle of earth.
Slowly lowered into the backs of minds.
Flesh becomes part of the food chain.
And the rock above is nothing but a weaping stone.
You become the synapses in someone's memory that will one day meet the same fate.
Until one day, only pictures and paper may remain.

"As your memory hangs on a hook in the closet, I wonder what I've become. You were such an inspiration, and I never let myself be inspired. If only I were half as strong as you were. Half as proud. Half as intelligent. You knew what you wanted and you went to get it. You could spin everything in a positive light. Eyes with the power to melt anyone they saw. Just one photograph, but far more moments to remember. You had high hopes but you would have achieved every dream you had. There is no doubt in my mind you'd be more successful than any of us already. We both knew there's no master plan. If there was I'd be in your place and you'd be here making everyone's lives better instead of me here doing the opposite. You loved more and were more loved than I knew anyone could be. Now that your memory hangs on this hook, limp without your shoulders to hold it up, know you're a permanant fixture in my heart."

If you're calling me out...

...then count me out

It's hard to type with a band-aid on your finger.
I don't feel like driving back to Philadelphia tonight, but I have to.
I hope it's nice out tomorrow, it would suck to waste a day off work.
My brain is working overtime and my fingernails are paying the price.
The sky was nothing but a miserable grey all day, just threatening rain.
I was thinking about writing a screenplay again, I feel like I have something to say. I never finished my last one, I'd like to follow through with this one. Maybe I'll start tomorrow if it rains.
I bet it's sunny in San Diego.
I think acoustic should be a mood.. cuz I feel that way a lot.
The sky is a dirty orange and it's staring at me now.
Do actions really speak louder than words? Or are words just used to excuse the actions?

Crush.
Dwell.
Demise.

Under this condition

I wish your life made you go =o)

What do you do when everything is overanalyzed?
I like my standpoint/attitude towards a lot of things, but sometimes I wish could be more like other people that don't care about anything and can let everything roll off their back like nothing ever happened.
The way I see things is very different from how some of my friends see them.
Sometimes a duck is a duck.
Don't try to figure it out for so long that by the time you do it's a dead duck.
Kinda like this, don't try to figure out what the fuck I'm talking about because I hardly know myself.

I've got new shirts hanging with the tags still on them.
I'll wear them soon.
Not a good weekend for food service.
I need to get some sun.
I wonder what kinds of things foreign history classes learn about the United States.
I want to take a foreign history class.
Bingo. I'm going to bed.

I am Jack's tired eyes

I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve and frankly, I think I need a new wardrobe. dm.

Yesterday I got to spend some time with myself until I went to meet Kelsey, Anne, Sharyn & Jen in AC. I ate, gambled quite a bit, and drank a decent amount all on $32. Of course, I won some money at the tables, too. I slept on the most comfortable futon ever last night and I slept like a baby.

Today was a lazy day mostly. We went to Philly for shopping. I had no luck finding a Father's Day gift.. any suggestions? We ate at Johnny Rockets which apparantly was a mistake, since the service was terrible. We came home, chilled for a while and then watched Fight Club. Finally! Haha, I think my neck is starting to tense up again, what can I do?

We're all a part of the same compost heap. Goodnight.

Do you find me dreadful?

There's a great feeling you can have when you wake up-- not when you're woken up by the alarm or someone yelling at you that you're late-- just when you wake up on time and know you have some time to play with while getting ready. It's nice to just be relaxed and not rushed. But the best part of that is the fact that you have no idea how the day will go after you finally wake yourself up and get out the door. The state of not knowing is pretty amazing, I think. I just stop and think sometimes on days like that- days like today- this day could turn out to be the best day of my life.. or the worst.. but I prefer to think positive. Just try that sometime, dwell in that moment of uncertainty. Embrace it, but know that you control the day, it doesn't control you, so think positive even if it seems like the good stuff is hard to come by and you might be able to make something out of it.

So today was great, save for a minor detail that was my fault and is easily fixed. I got my new car, a 2000 Nissan Altima. I like it a lot, and that's the first time I can say that about a car I've owned. I've liked some, but this one I genuinely love and picked out myself.

The sudden downpour after work flooded the streets and most of any hope I had that we'd still be going to Ocean City. But, somehow, again, the skies cleared for us and we had a cool, but nevertheless dry, walk on the boards. We made the obligatory fudge stop and I had to show off some bubble hockey skills.

We did some shopping at Hamilton Mall (I say we- I was just there to offer opinions and arms to carry things, for I have no money left.) Got some nifty stuff. And the winner of the most time spent in the dressing room award is...

You make my <3 skip a beat.

We decided to go to Olive Garden, but once we got through the door, we realized we had actually stepped in to the Ghetto Pub. It was like one of those dreams where you know where you are and what's supposed to be on the other side of that door, but when you get there, it's all wrong. But hey, even the Ghetto Pub makes a bangin' alfredo gorgonzola!

A nice night under the near-full moon and stars, walking along the water (which you have to watch out for when I'm around, it seems), running from the law.. well no, still walking.

Tucked under blankets, you can sleep easy and ignore the ringing in your ears.

Sweet dreams.

Staring at pixels

I don't feel like I have a lot to write about, I just feel compelled to write.
Played a few losing hands at poker tonight at the bowling alley, then we bowled a few games.
Then we went to Denny's.
Now I'm here staring at this screen.
The blinking cursor is begging for something to do. "Type something! Anything!"
Cincinnati, here we come.
A mini metropolis.
It will be a great city, but then again, any city would be a great city...
Can't wait.. start the countdown now - 13 days and counting.
I am looking forward to it, but I want to enjoy everyday right up to it just as much.
We can do that.
I have to say goodnight.
Goodnight.

Interviewed

Intoxication.
Can't feel my lips that well and my teeth are numb.
How can I bring tears and smiles with the same utterance?
The stars are piercing the sky.
Thoughts are forced to the forefront as I follow the interlude.
Broken bottles on the dotted line.
Pure intentions.
I lead with hopes that you'll follow.
You are my fire inside.

This won't make sense next time I read it.

Photographic rundown of the trip..

Nowhere I'd rather be....

Hands down..

Take perfection and stretch it over a weekend- that's the best way I can describe the past 2 days.
From your door to the diamond was a stop and go situation in more ways than one.
As the dark clouds parted, the sunshine returned to my life.
Meteorologists couldn't have seen this coming.
The warm night air swept us through the harbor to an unreal elevation.
The city lights glow almost as bright as your eyes and my smile.
If only we could live in a photograph, I'd set the timer and watch the red light count down to bliss.
Sitting on water, it's hard to leave the cityscape behind.

The surprise is somehow kept secret until the time is right.
The morning (well, afternoon) is spent with caged beasts and youthful innocence of wonder.
Next we walked the museums and Mall (not that kind of mall.)
Living through the camera lens, we traveled in history.
A sunset scene slowly ends the day.
The soundtrack in my mind is playing out loud.
How does it feel?
In the perfect atmosphere, the magnificent landscape escapes me, save for the monument of beauty and intrigue that sits beside me.
As the music slowly leaves my ear, a more amazing harmony replaces it.
A flawless moment.
We walk away from this place, hard to move on weak knees.
Going home is always bittersweet.
Thanks for this smile.

Meet me at the crash

My thoughts.. a constant companion.

The blue sky erupted with a sudden downpour.
The twilight stars fell from the sky to meet my heart on the ground.
Plans and hopes crashed like a commercial airliner at full speed-- not just hitting the ground, but shrieking across the pavement, sparks flying, as pieces break off and disintegrate in massive balls of flames, leaving behind a destroyed landscape and an unknown number of casualties; the body count is still rising.
Just back up and give this jet another chance to land- this time it will be smooth.
If you need something to be sure of, I'm still here.

I'm going away this weekend and considering my sudden fear of flying.. we're gonna drive.
Here's to happy landings.

Drop a heart, break a name

It's officially June. So to celebrate I'll share something I wrote.

The Wounded Wall.
"The light reflecting off of the blacktop reminds me of her somehow. For that matter, almost everything leads my thoughts to her in one way or another. 'She would like that. She would think that was funny.' The constant thoughts have built a wall that falls apart when she is not around. I feel it start to crumble every time she hangs up the phone. I hear it crack each time she leaves and says goodnight. Each syllable she speaks is a brick to repair the wounded wall. Every smile is the mortar that holds them together. And every touch is the bright blue sky that provides the backdrop. So it goes, daily. As the bricks fall, they wait to be replaced. So when I am alone, I anxiously anticipate that familiar vibration with a hope that this wall could forever stand in my mind."

I'm feeling blah, for lack of a better (or actual) word.
I stand in between the confusion and the complexity.
I feel like a rat in a maze, only here to be observed while I hit dead end after dead end searching for the piece of cheese that isn't hardly what I expected it would be when I reach it.
I'm going to go to bed before I wear a hole in my brain from pacing back and forth in my thoughts.