Old enough to know but too young to care...

So once I stood up last night to go find socks and gym shorts to go for a run, I realized that my foot was still hurting from walking around in sandals all day yesterday. So no run. I just went to bed. I just spent an hour or so just lying in bed watching the fan turn, feeling the breeze come in. And now I've awoken to a beautiful day that I doubt I'll enjoy. I'm determined to try to enjoy it though.

I woke up to messages from our drummer telling us that he, once again, can't bring his own drums to our show tonight because he was too lazy to pick them yesterday or get up early enough this morning to get them before work. Since we have to load in at 5 in Philly, he can't be back from work in time to pick them up and then get back there by load-in. Despite how I feel, we're going to bring the drums for him this third and final time because a) it's our last show we have booked (possibly, and seeming more probable, our last show with Steve as drummer,) b) I'd much rather play a show at North Star Bar than leave his drums home just out of principle.

I've just had enough of everyone not caring. Congrats, everyone, I've jumped on the bandwagon. Our drummer doesn't care enough to come to a single practice in the month of June and, maybe I get too worked up about it but, nobody seems to really care. I can only go so long being the only one trying. So now I'm done. As I'm writing this, it just seems bitter. And it is. He wants to know what time we play tonight. If I tell him, I'll be he'd show up right before we play and leave immediately after. Maybe that's good though. I don't want to not care about this anymore; the band is one my favorite things to do and I'm glad we've had it. It's just too hard when nobody cares most of the time but then we it comes time to get information for shows and make decisions everyone looks at me. This may be our swan song and I hope it's catchy for those who have been nice enough to come out to our shows.

So, in my determination to enjoy this day, I have to get away from the computer and go outside. It's really nice outside, there is a breeze and I'm going to go for a run and maybe play a game of disc golf by myself. Let's hope today turns out better than I hope.

In the eternal words of Lloyd Dobbler: "If you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise."

dm.

Laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not...

I have so much to say that it feels almost impossible to say anything. I have such an overwhelming amount of information in my brain that I want to get out it's like a traffic jam. My thoughts are all vehicles trying to merge into the one lane that leads to my fingers typing, and there are so many collisions going on that none are getting through....

I went to see Whatever Works tonight in Philly with Chuck and Diebra. There is one scene in the movie where Larry David's character jumps out of a window out of his utter frustration with life and nonsense. As I was just walking down my hall I felt like doing just that. I just had this impulse to just run and go straight for the window. Uncharacteristically, I managed to fight my urges and remain where I was. For better or worse.

It was a gorgeous night out tonight. It was one of those amazing summer nights where it's not hot and humid nor is it chilly. It was that perfect temperature with a breeze that just makes you feel content. Unfortunately, these perfect nights make me think of love and happiness; two things I do not currently possess. That's not to say I don't love. I feel happy sometimes too but these moments are fleeting. It seems like sometimes attaining great happiness in one part of life somehow makes everything else seem like it's less. This ultimately leads to that one thing taking over so much of your thoughts that it's hard to enjoy anything else the same. It's like tasting the greatest fruit and knowing you will never have anything that good again. What is there to strive for if the greatest thing you can experience has already happened?

Some of this sounds contrived and probably hard to understand even for me, probably a result of the aforementioned traffic jam in my brain... but since nobody reads this it's really just for me anyway. I need to go run or something. It's a perfect night for it. Why not? 3AM runs are always good.

dm.

This was over before it ever began..

Reading blogs tonight made me realize how much I really miss blogging regularly. I do enjoy having my daily blog so I can go back and see what's been going and have pictures of a lot of thing but I miss venting about things that happened and being creative. As I always declare: I'm going to try to start updating frequently again...

I wrote this the other day but didn't post it for some reason:

The past week or so I've been feeling strange, like I'm missing something. But not in the way where you feel like it's really gone, more like that sudden feeling you get when you have your wallet in a different pocket than usual and you reach for it. Or when you don't have your keys because you left them with the valet. I keep checking my pocket trying to find something that I left elsewhere.