Rant

I was having a good day this morning. Not for any reason in particular, I was just happy. Now I've got that metallic saliva taste in my mouth, and I can't seem to break a smile. I've tripped and now I'm just waiting to feel my face hit the pavement. I'm living in this falsity. (That's probably not a word, but I'm gonna use it to mean false reality.) At least I'm living I guess. A thousand happy days can't make up for regrets. Nothing much more to say.. be well.

dm.

Your whisper's like a bridge...

Currently Listening: Brand New - Sowing Season
Currently Can't Wait For: Brand New's cd, Nov. 14
Currently Hating: Good Charlotte's new single
Currently Thinking About: You

It's funny how a death in the family can affect you, even if it's an aunt you haven't talked to or seen in years. But, as I know, death is the only sure thing in life. I kind of accept this reality, but I still can't really rationalize it. I try to think of things in common sense terms, but no matter how many times I try to wrap my head around the idea of death, I can't do it. I guess that doesn't make me special in any way; cultures all over the world have been fascinated and perplexed by the idea of death and afterlife since life began. But, while thinking about it I feel alone. Maybe it's my lack of spirituality or my need to question the unknown, but it really gets to me. I just sit and scribble my thoughts, sometimes they rhyme:

"It Only Hurts When I Laugh

From the hospital sheets with the view of the courtyard,
To the funeral march in the sun with your headlights on,
Running this red light to get to the underground,
Fighting this urge to speak to your headstone now,
Turned up soil on the ground at your feet,
Next to tears for the words we never got to speak

And now we're left to wonder what's next,
Look into my eyes and you'll see my soul has left
With you,
And the moonlight's shining for you

Nostalgia can't explain how I feel,
Like a classic film that never left the reel,
And you're waving goodbye just by closing your eyes,
But you never meant to leave us alone

While I'm lost in the twinkle of the stars in the sky,
Your spirit tears away but there's a piece of you inside
Of me,
And the moonlight's shining for you

This can't be real, it's not right,
No, I'll never let you leave my sight,
And when I finally come to see you I know,
That this can be explained,
No, I'm with you here..."

.lovelost.dm.

I could still be ruthless...

The clouds look like winter's coming.
Sometimes I feel like a shut-in.
I'm disappointed.
"I'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go."
The leaves are showing their true colors. You should too.

I'm gonna go set a new personal record.
dm.

We are salt and you are the wound

Went to Central Park in Manhattan today, I really liked this picture of the city and nature; manmade vs. natural. Which is more beautiful? I have a soft spot for both, honestly. Probably why I enjoy this type of picture so much.

I'm about to go to a Halloween party, therefore: costume required. I can't do my original idea tonight, but I have to whip something up quick. Any ideas?

I've written a couple of things lately, I always get inspired when I'm at school:

10/18/06
"Compost

Why do we waste what is most valuable?
Time, our least abundant resource, is wasted more than any fossil fuel
Most all of us are guilty
Forget about nuclear fusion--
If we harness time, we can achieve anything
Anyone reading should tell me to take my own advice.
Time seems endless until we have a limit
What would you do if you just received that final eviction notice?
The closing time
When there's an end on the calender, you can fit a lot more inside those little squares
Each hour, you feel every minute, every second drop off the edge
Like a conveyor belt to a black hole
And you're stuck on the track, helpless to wait
Now is the time
To define your existence
Let pettiness and shame fall aside
Allow yourself to escape from your shell of skin
And open like a flower to the world
Absorbing every sunbeam and raindrop
Until the last winter leaves you brown and wilted to return to the earth..."

10/3/06
"So much talking
No one has anything important to convey
A new life
Potential for so much insight--
but isn't that true of each of us?
Wasted potential
Thoughts never thought
A critical analysis of wasted hours
A tear for every missed opportunity-
we're crying forever.
How do we learn to express and exchange these emotions
So many trying to sneak by life in the night without a thought at all
Why examine life when it goes on?
Why question when you can survive without introspection?
I'm asleep in a philosophical coma--
wake me in a like-minded world."

I'm off to pretend I'm someone I'm not. (It's okay, it's the only time of year that it's cool to admit that)
dm.

A stone's throw away from a rock fight

Bad Religion is still amazing, start listening to them again.

I wrote this the other day--
10/12/06
"Reconstruction

Cities are like people
Each with a different face
Beautiful from afar, bright
But delve inside and find darkness
Find loathing and sadness
The city with the steel exterior
Is weak and crumbling from inside
Crying out in vain
Never loud enough to permeate
The bloodflow of traffic
Every bus and taxi traveling through the heart
Visitors working their way inside
With no other purpose than to hurt
To rob and steal and leave a gaping wound
A red billow of cells pour outward
Sending a smoke signal to be seen for miles
Burning away the rivets and steel that hold us up
Until we can stand no longer
Collapsing, leaving so much of ourselves deceased
Broken, now people give their attention
Lying quiet, eyes on alert
Darkened streets echo sirens unheard
As a new dawn breaks, you salvage what's left
You prepare yourself daily; rehabilitating
For the day you will stand tall again
Showing the world a new face--
A fractured, but stronger face
You watch the world with new eyes
Cautious of each car crossing your brightly-lit waterways
Living to love and give and be hurt again
Jagged and reaching for the stars
Outshined by the glow of our skylines"

We fit like jigsaw pieces from different puzzles. dm.

"You just can't fill up my glass as fast as I can finish"

-Just wrote this. Something to think about.-

The imaginary line on my glass is half full
And we're out of time- never learned this back in school
What can we say?
What can we say but--
This is your class, it's an ordinary life
Can't fail or pass, but you're not doing fine
Circling the drain and you can't fight the current
Drowning in your thoughts but can't stop them burning

So we're expected to die for a messiah,
and float above while others cry,
When we're content with being lied to by messiahs,
This fear and fate will rule our lives

If thinking is a crime then you can find me guilty
Read the standard lines, filled with hypocricy
What can we say?
Don't know what to say but--
Just raise your hand in opposition to the crowd
This too shall pass if we shout it out loud
Fight through the multitude of "solitary thinkers"
Their lips move fast, but we can we can sure as hell think first

So we're expected to die for a messiah,
and float above while others cry,
When we're content with being lied to by messiahs,
This fear and fate will rule our lives

Who am I to mess with destiny?
Who am I to say that I can absolutely see?
Who am I to pressure destiny?
Who am I to say the things I really want to say,
The things we're all afraid to say?
Everybody give my best to destiny.

dm.

I can't do this all on my own

I've come to know 5AM as bedtime. I've also become well-aquainted with that feeling in the pit of my stomach like something is horribly wrong and what's worse is that I don't have any idea what it is. However, on a lighter note, I've downloaded the 13-part miniseries on the American Revolution I plan on watching soon. I'm a dork, history really interests me.

My thoughts, they have teeth
And these words are the bitemarks on your neck
My gazes are sharp
These looks are the scars of the future

We can only become what's left over,
the cream at the top of the milk,
the byproduct of a better working machine,
steam above water.

Don't fix what's not broken.
Don't reach for what's not there.
Don't try to change the wind.
Don't forget to write.

.abyproductoflove.dm.

Running in a dream and it's like slow motion...

It must be a joke played by the gods when there's nothing at all to do some of the time and other times there's so much to choose from you can't make a choice. Tonight was the former, nothing really to do. Took a drive, hung out and watched dogs fight, and went running.

I want so much to open your eyes cuz I need you to look into mine.

Marching past each open window
Screaming inside with our eyes
Wishing to join the ranks
Reaching inside with our minds
Don't stray your gaze
To the greener grass nextdoor
Bear dead-ahead with purpose
And find so much more

.lovenofear.x.fearnolove.
.dm.