I just wanna feel...

We're taking a trip but I can't stop falling.
Headed in the right direction but I'm more than lost.
You can measure the miles in my stare.
Trying to distance myself from the knowledge.
My feet are next to yours but I know where I stand.
I'm lying in your bed but never in your head.
The line between us is a moat.
I'll never be royalty.
I've got fires to be started with all this yearning.
I keep hoping this is a fire worth burning.
The same voice that puts the wind in my sails can take it out.
I'll stop this ship from sinking so I can drown the crew myself.
Your lips are the horizon I can see from distant shores.
I'll set a course for destiny and hope you'll come aboard.

dm.

There is no progress.

A Fallen Leaf

"They" say that you show yourself in your artwork without even trying. I feel like this shot of the foggy forest in autumn is a reflection of how I've been feeling lately. The trees are losing their leaves, their life, their once vibrant appearance, dropping to the ground in brilliant color before quickly turning to brown to be stepped on and forgotten as they return to the earth. It's impossible to focus on the things that are right in front of me, as close as they seem to be. I'm always thinking two steps ahead and never worrying about what's right under my feet. Even at mid-day, the dew remains on my grass, as I never let anything get too old except myself. Even the flattest ground seems like a slippery slope on days like these. The future is uncertain, shrouded in a fog that won't pass. It keeps me wondering how far my path carries on. I'll never know until I get there. Walking through clouds can't get me anywhere, but I keep heading for them and ignoring the solid ground that's holding me up. I seldom notice how askew my perspective is until I fall back on an autumn day and look up at what I've become. Tread lightly.

dm.

Open Letter to the Weather

The constant patter of rain outside my window that sometimes soothes me like nothing else is now nothing more than a constant taunt. A bully that hangs out around corners waiting for me to walk by so he can knock the books out of my hand for no other reason than to ruin my day. In this case, the bully is God, if you believe in that sort of thing. Or Mother Nature if you take that phrase seriously. I think it just comes down to really bad fucking luck. It does seem uncanny that the weather patterns seem to arrange themselves in such a way that the majority of annual rainfall occurs on days when I have something outdoors planned. This phenomenon appears most frequently when camping is involved. Muddy ground and not-so-waterproof tents are things that are just par for the course when it comes to sleeping under the stars that are above the clouds. Most recently, the rain tried to spoil my trip to Boston but only managed to make it just a little bit more annoying. This morning, as the rain lands on the ground outside like a constant tap on my shoulder to let me know that it's still there just to fuck up my day, I resign. I give in to the precipitation that follows me like the proverbial black cloud and accept my fate. It won't stop me from enjoying the day. I will thrive under the cold drops, taking in the moisture like a starved plant. I won't be finding a new way home just to avoid this ubiquitous thug. I'll stand up to walk straight into its face until it backs down or until I'm done hiking the Pinnacle Trail. Nice try, rain. This is happening.

Lose, lose

You're always closer to the front of my mind than the back
At the tip of my fingers but not close enough to touch
I wish you only existed at the vector of my gaze
I don't know when I took up residence in this selfish place
Lying in the place of better men, I rest my head
Nothing that I think seems to go unsaid
I keep my hands on the wheel and my eyes fixed on the rearview
Because no matter how hard I try I can't see where this road leads to
The match was lit and it just keeps burning
You can't put out this fire and it's starting to make you worry
I imagine the eyes that would stare me down to nothing
And hands that could break me without ever touching
My eyes adjust to the dark and now I can see
It could take forever but this is where I want to be.

dm.

i hope it feels this way for you

the future doesn't exist.
only in our minds.
that's as real as the conversations we have with dead people.
i try to imagine a future--any future--but it's only an idea.
tomorrow is only possible, not definite.
it's only inevitable in our heads.
we could cease to be at any moment in time.
this is fiction.
we create the world around us.
we destroy everything that we've created.
some more than others.
tiptoe past the ones who care en route to self-destruction.
we only have the present to manipulate.
and each other.
the future is concept.
reality is in front of us but passing by with haste.
leave the past on the soles of your shoes.
the future is past.

dm

I am but one small instrument...

I hurt myself at the concert the other night. My knee. Again. I spent all of yesterday in the hospital for the most part. Just getting x-rays and scans, not because I was seriously injured or anything. The doctor said to stay off it and come back on Monday. So I'm going to New York today. I have things to write about but not now because it's awkward keeping my leg in this position right now. They had me in the CT for so long, lying perfectly still, staring at the holes in the ceiling as I thought about God, fate, karma and what was going to be my summer... can't stop me.

dm

Laundry list of problems.

Demetri Martin is doing stand up but nowhere near New Jersey.
lame.
Las Vegas in a few weeks.
not that excited.
I don't have any food in the house...
I need to go shopping.
I can't wait until the work on the house is done.
I'm a little sunburned from surfing.
I want to go for a bike ride.
I might do that now.
I need to get hummus.
See ya later.

dm

Letting go is love...

I have to be up in a little over five hours to drive Nathan to Brooklyn. I offered to do it but now that I'm still awake so late it feels like an obligation. I'm tired. Why aren't I sleeping? The internet. Updating blogs. That's what happens. I had a long day.. I really need to get some rest. I went kayaking, biking, played home run derby and took a long walk. It's time for bed...

more to come...

dm.

I hope we all feel alright..

I went kayaking with Nathan today. The other day when I went hiking in PA I realized that there is so much that I want to do with my summer and I need to do it now when I can. I have time off with no job right now and I want to use the opportunity to do the things that I really want to. Even if I have to do them by myself, I want to do these things by the end of summer:

-go surfing a few times
-one hike a week
-bike to the shore again
-bike from the shore to Philly (by the end of summer/early fall)
-several day backpack trip
-run an 8k or 10k
-kayak the Maurice River

That's just a basic list of the physical activities I'd like to do this summer. I'm sure there's more that I forgot right now... I also want to:

-finish my portfolio
-enter at least one show or gallery
-learn more on acoustic guitar
-record a few songs (maybe?)
-finish the garage/rec area/exercise area
-finish episode 3/start filming pilot of Don & Chuck

That's another basic list... I also want to read more. I just ordered three new books on amazon that will be coming this week so I need to finish up the book I'm reading so my slate will be clear for the new ones. Let's hope I can follow through with these goals.

Time to go for a bike ride.. it's way too nice to be sitting inside.

dm

Miles away

I woke up to a beautiful breeze, a sunny day... and arguing neighbors.
...and they can't even speak proper English.
Oh, New Jersey, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.
I need to leave.

dm

Redefine despair

I am feeling weird tonight...
I say that a lot so maybe I'm just feeling normal..
Anyway, I have been listening to Anberlin almost exclusively lately.
with some Copeland, Emery and Anthony Green thrown in as well.
I'm listening to them right now.
I want to see them live.. they are playing live now at Cornerstone.
I'm jealous of people there.
Purple Door? ok.
I went for a long hike today.
My legs don't hurt.
They never do.
I walked and listened to nature; the birds and streams.
And I listened to myself... until I couldn't take it anymore.
There was a lot of time to hear myself while hiking alone.
I don't know if I accomplished what I wanted to by getting out by myself...
but I feel like I came up with some good metaphors if nothing else.
Stay tuned.
I always feel like I have so much to say but can't get it out..
For one reason or another.
Some of it is not appropriate for public eyes.
Some not for private eyes..
Hmm.
I realize that I really don't have anything to say now..
.

I'm in constant fear of being cut loose
Attached by the smallest thread and blowing in the wind
Just waiting for a gust of my own hot air to do the job
I imagine our tandem jump
Free of that plane that holds us
But it's just in my mind; anchor to my dreams
Nothing else is keeping me grounded these days
My favorite bone
Out of reach and under wraps
I'll keep you in a frame
But not a picture
A picture of perfection; but what doesn't belong?
I'll cut myself
And then paste somewhere that I fit in
Tracing fingertips to buried treasure
Just more fool's gold
I'll add it to my collection
Bend until you break
Regroup
Repeat.

dm

How can it be....

For some reason, I feel like I had a really good day today. I slept in but when I got up, Devin and I did some work on the house before I went for a run. I set myself a goal for running today and I just kept going until I got to it. It felt good. I just feel good tonight. I'm not going to try to question it too much because it will leave me feeling bad I'm sure. I'm just going to enjoy the nice breeze coming in the windows and go to sleep early so I can get up to go on a hike tomorrow. I have been wanting to get away from here for a while so I'm going up to PA to hike a strenuous trail and have some alone time. I hope it's enjoyable. If I don't post tomorrow.. send someone to the Conestoga Trail south of Lancaster, PA to find me because I've probably become incapacitated with no cell phone service... wish me luck...!

Goodnight

dm

Hold my breath...

5:12am. My summer sleeping schedule--scratch that, my sleeping schedule is strange. The birds start chirping well before light and every so often another bird will chime in and slowly create that early morning cacophony that makes falling asleep at dawn difficult. The sun isn't up yet but the colors are starting to appear in the sky and they are almost as amazing as some of the sunsets I have witnessed/photographed. I was just watching the clouds pass through the sky for a little while before I decided it was time for bed. I prefer watching the sunrise with someone else by my side anyway..

Have you ever fallen asleep while writing in a journal or taking notes in class? You know how your words just start trailing into little lines that run off the page as your hand drops? I just did that with the computer but I held down the "s" key and opened my eyes to find the entry box scrolled far to the right and s's still appearing there. Like this "ssssssssssssssssssssss." I thought it was funny because I've done it so much in my actual pen and paper journals... goodnight.

Dm..

ps.. I had fun at the show tonight. Feeling much better than I did this morning.. or yesterday morning. sleep.

Old enough to know but too young to care...

So once I stood up last night to go find socks and gym shorts to go for a run, I realized that my foot was still hurting from walking around in sandals all day yesterday. So no run. I just went to bed. I just spent an hour or so just lying in bed watching the fan turn, feeling the breeze come in. And now I've awoken to a beautiful day that I doubt I'll enjoy. I'm determined to try to enjoy it though.

I woke up to messages from our drummer telling us that he, once again, can't bring his own drums to our show tonight because he was too lazy to pick them yesterday or get up early enough this morning to get them before work. Since we have to load in at 5 in Philly, he can't be back from work in time to pick them up and then get back there by load-in. Despite how I feel, we're going to bring the drums for him this third and final time because a) it's our last show we have booked (possibly, and seeming more probable, our last show with Steve as drummer,) b) I'd much rather play a show at North Star Bar than leave his drums home just out of principle.

I've just had enough of everyone not caring. Congrats, everyone, I've jumped on the bandwagon. Our drummer doesn't care enough to come to a single practice in the month of June and, maybe I get too worked up about it but, nobody seems to really care. I can only go so long being the only one trying. So now I'm done. As I'm writing this, it just seems bitter. And it is. He wants to know what time we play tonight. If I tell him, I'll be he'd show up right before we play and leave immediately after. Maybe that's good though. I don't want to not care about this anymore; the band is one my favorite things to do and I'm glad we've had it. It's just too hard when nobody cares most of the time but then we it comes time to get information for shows and make decisions everyone looks at me. This may be our swan song and I hope it's catchy for those who have been nice enough to come out to our shows.

So, in my determination to enjoy this day, I have to get away from the computer and go outside. It's really nice outside, there is a breeze and I'm going to go for a run and maybe play a game of disc golf by myself. Let's hope today turns out better than I hope.

In the eternal words of Lloyd Dobbler: "If you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise."

dm.

Laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not...

I have so much to say that it feels almost impossible to say anything. I have such an overwhelming amount of information in my brain that I want to get out it's like a traffic jam. My thoughts are all vehicles trying to merge into the one lane that leads to my fingers typing, and there are so many collisions going on that none are getting through....

I went to see Whatever Works tonight in Philly with Chuck and Diebra. There is one scene in the movie where Larry David's character jumps out of a window out of his utter frustration with life and nonsense. As I was just walking down my hall I felt like doing just that. I just had this impulse to just run and go straight for the window. Uncharacteristically, I managed to fight my urges and remain where I was. For better or worse.

It was a gorgeous night out tonight. It was one of those amazing summer nights where it's not hot and humid nor is it chilly. It was that perfect temperature with a breeze that just makes you feel content. Unfortunately, these perfect nights make me think of love and happiness; two things I do not currently possess. That's not to say I don't love. I feel happy sometimes too but these moments are fleeting. It seems like sometimes attaining great happiness in one part of life somehow makes everything else seem like it's less. This ultimately leads to that one thing taking over so much of your thoughts that it's hard to enjoy anything else the same. It's like tasting the greatest fruit and knowing you will never have anything that good again. What is there to strive for if the greatest thing you can experience has already happened?

Some of this sounds contrived and probably hard to understand even for me, probably a result of the aforementioned traffic jam in my brain... but since nobody reads this it's really just for me anyway. I need to go run or something. It's a perfect night for it. Why not? 3AM runs are always good.

dm.

This was over before it ever began..

Reading blogs tonight made me realize how much I really miss blogging regularly. I do enjoy having my daily blog so I can go back and see what's been going and have pictures of a lot of thing but I miss venting about things that happened and being creative. As I always declare: I'm going to try to start updating frequently again...

I wrote this the other day but didn't post it for some reason:

The past week or so I've been feeling strange, like I'm missing something. But not in the way where you feel like it's really gone, more like that sudden feeling you get when you have your wallet in a different pocket than usual and you reach for it. Or when you don't have your keys because you left them with the valet. I keep checking my pocket trying to find something that I left elsewhere.

Final-ly done

Excuse the bad pun, but being that I'm done with finals as of yesterday, I feel okay using it. Finals is such an overstressed time. It's not even that the papers we have to write and tests we have to take are much more difficult than anything we've had all semester, it's just the fact that they are all happening at the same time. It's really not planned well. Maybe it's supposed to teach you how to juggle multiple crises at the same time. It's such a weird emotional time where you are standing on the edge of summer but you just need to tackle this one last monstrous obstacle before you can get to it. Well, I've tackled the monster and, with any luck, I did fairly well in my classes. It's disheartening that with all of the things I supposedly accomplish, I never feel like I've done anything. It just seems like I'm passing the time taking classes. Maybe it's because I've been in college for almost a third of my life now and it's hard to imagine it as a path to anywhere because it has been my reality for so long. I should be graduating this time next year. I just hope I can do something after I graduate..

dm

Ataris. Holy shit.

The winter kiss

The night wraps me up in its dark embrace.
The soft kiss of winter brushes my cheeks.
A kiss goodbye from a perfect mate.
The comfort of spring holds me at the edge of dawn.
It waits while it lets me in on its secrets.
The perfection of these combined elements pervades.
My eyes closed, I take in every breath of new life.
Each blurred light, passing like a modern shooting star.
Beckoning for me to come along to the destination.
But I am already here where stars can't take me.
The years slip from my eyes, for this feeling is timeless.
The morning light comes too soon this time.
Stealing from me the one perfect thing I have.
I will wait for you here until you return once more.
The sun will hide again to reveal you, the night, as my own.
And we will dance like the day will never come again.

dm.

Without You I'm Just Me

There is a strange but amazing clarity that accompanies loss. Loss of any kind, I suppose, but mainly that of another person. In a moment, you realize all of the things you should have said (or shouldn't have said in many cases,) could have done or would do differently if you had the chance. This is much like the "near-death" experience where one supposedly sees their life flash before their eyes. In similar fashion, this clarity happens upon an individual when an event comparable to the loss in death occurs. Everything experienced after this moment is a vivid reminder of that person. The food once shared, a street corner once visited, the mere absence of that person fills every room while the void remains in the mind. Anything that can be done to fill that void shall be attempted but often never succeeds in properly occupying the need for the previous tenant. A space forever vacant and waiting for the return of the resident.

dm

Bad posture

A lone flower grew in the garden of weeds
Blossoming to take in the sparse sunlight
Spreading joy in the patch with its vibrancy
Summer saw great weather and then in fall
But winter came to say goodbye with frozen ground
The translation came in a cold, cold breeze
The root of the problems hidden under hard soil
Sending a shivering death call up the stem
As each leaf and petal starts to sag in sadness
It rejoins the weeds without the sun
Gray clouds provide cover to this flower bed
Hoping for hope that spring will come again.

that mistake was gold..

i cover up as i ascend a mountain to get closer to something
legs burning as the rest of me freezes in the snow
what does it mean when i can only speak to you with eyes closed
whispering prayers to no god in particular, hoping to be heard
words turn to vapor in the cold air and slowly disappear
maybe if i can see them, you can hear them
crossing that plane between us like old letters
pounds of dirt and stone can't bury this memory
i dig them up every year and look for new ways to forget
things would be so much easier
i would switch places in an instant
the world could be a little better for it.

dm...

...

So this is life..
and here I sit and watch as it parades by,
trying to find a reason to march along.
It's not so bad..
they're seraching for an ever present eye
by staring up to bright fluorescent skies.

smoke rings

driving down dusty highways, wiping the slate clean
passing waterfalls of past desires
sneaking a glance over the edge to see what awaits us
at the bottom of a canyon we'll all fall into
trying to get to the better things we're hoping for
but the roads are frozen
friction is necessary to get anywhere
we've been spinning our wheels for quite some time
laminating our ages so they won't change
following the grain in the wood and the tune in our heads
writing our history in pencil so we can change it later
looking at the world through this old lens
it's time for a new prescription

*dm