Disappearance

Sometimes it feels like I'm disappearing.
Sometimes I don't care.

Reflex/Reflects

Sometimes you can walk by the same place (or person) a hundred times before the light hits just the right way and reveals the subtle beauty that has been there all along. I've got that funny feeling in the back of my throat like certain words just won't come out.. or maybe I'm getting sick, I'm not sure. "Just cuz he can't hear what you say doesn't mean that he's not listening." After the sunset the only thing that lights up my face is a computer screen and the occasional fleeting thought of a brighter future. The lights are out tonight. I'm going to take my chances curbside against the flow of traffic and hope to turn up somewhere that I can flip the switch. The road is there for travel but it's mostly for the return.

dm.

Shot.

Throw down your cameras! The exclamation point makes me sound far more enthusiastic and/or excited than I could be bothered to even pretend to be right now. I feel completely disillusioned with the idea of photography at the moment. Perhaps my constant documentation of the minutiae of my life is beginning to have a negative effect on my feelings about the art form and probably the quality of my work (or lack of work, as it were). I find myself becoming the people I recently mocked in a photo essay in Washington, D.C. That may be what sparked this feeling in me. While documenting the way people experience our nation's capital, I noticed people simply living through their cameras and not experiencing anything at all. After reviewing the photos and the idea I realized I am one of those people. I do things all the time but almost for the sake of a photo. I enjoy looking back on my daily photos, but I also realize that I am not progressing toward anything. I either need to become much more actively involved in creating a portfolio while gaining experience or I need to stop thinking I can do this and move on to something I can do. I need to shit or get off the pot. It's almost like using my camera for documentation has made it seem less than art to me. I can't be happy with any image I get. I'm too scatterbrained at the moment to even articulate all the things I'm thinking......

I need a new camera. With a good lens.
I need a process.
I can't focus on anything.
I am far too easily distracted.
I don't think I'm good enough for anything.
Everything keeps moving whether I like it or not.
Or not.

dm