Birthdays are like checkpoints in life; as you round the track for another lap, you stop to evaluate your progress and assess your situation to come. It always feels like the future that everyone has been talking about since we were little is so far away, but it's really just sneaking right up behind us. I watch as some swerve and crash, heading blindly toward whatever comes their way.. and I envy them sometimes. I'm accused of sitting idly by, but I don't agree. I'm doing something for myself and I have good friends; a family that I know will be there if I need them. Having that is good enough for me, someone to be there for and someone that will be there for me.. anything else is icing.
I'm not good at sitting still. My favorite thing to do is plan things to do.. but I also enjoy the actual doing. Unfortunately a few things didn't work out to my liking, but we made the best of it and enjoyed the nice weather.
I don't know where I'll be in a year.. or even less. I'm just concerned with where I am now and where I'll be tomorrow. Maybe that's not wise; not that I'm not looking into the future at all, just that when I do, I can't see that far, so I prefer to look at something closer that I feel like I have control over. I'd like to grab ahold of the future and pull myself towards it, but I also want to savor the things I have now, because you never know when the present will cease to exist and all there will be is the past. I feel like I have immediate regrets, and that annoys me. I seem to realize that I'll regret what I'm doing as I'm doing it.. yet I don't stop myself. "Indecision is worse than the wrong decision.."(~the Sopranos) I put myself in situations that I know will cause me trouble, but it seems that I bask in it. Am I abnormal for behaving this way? Is it just something inside of me trying to escape? I don't know. If so, I'd like to find it and tear it out by the legs and drown it in the pool of sadness it's created.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history." -Georg Hegel
.dm.
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