"I can't afford to make another mistake...

like you." tsl

Choices, choices
And you know it's just not me
Hearing voices
Hard to think that's who you'd be

It's always harder choosing sides
I've never been good at picking fights
I keep my head up, but I'm losing sight
And you know I can never take my time

I'm looking for inspiration
It's not that hard to find
You're sitting on the rock
That it's hiding behind

I'm tripping over virtue
and falling into self-respect
This light went on so long ago
But this fall shattered my shadow

You've used up all your flames
And I've been trying to stay warm next to the ashes
As your solid courage
Melts into liquid lies

I walk along the desert roads
Dried up tributaries to our river
Crossing the time-scarred plains
Flowing to my heart like veins

I never noticed this
You'd never know this
I pretend I'm ok
With the pretense

The seconds tick away in your stare
I've got no more to share
Because you know time is money
and this is worth more than mine is honey.

..dm..hbtm..

Seeing Your Breath

Long winded blowing
Excuses keep flowing
From my tongue like rain from the gutter
I'll tell you that there is no other
Just like you
And that is true
I can't say that I love you
But I want a few things from you
You don't seem like you're with me here
But your lust is in just one more beer
I feel your lips crash into mine
But another face is on my mind
Give me passage and I'll go the distance
I tread the path of least resistance
I return ashamed from unscaled walls
On selfless hearts my pain befalls
You're not the one but I'm the fool
I'll settle like a rock at the bottom of a pool
I spend my days alone and wonder
If it's her thumb or mine I can't get out from under
Words and time display what I'm all about
I'm scared to settle in but more to go without.

Storm to Weather

You look like you're distressed, my dear
A nervous smile from ear to ear
Falling to your knees under the weight of this halo
Just take it off because it really never fit you
Boil it down and find out what's meant to be
There was no gold and surely nothing holy
Give back these fingers - this hand wasn't meant for you
You're just the needle scratching the record we dance to
A flickering light from a second floor window
That signals my loss, might as well be a widow
I follow these curves 'til I crash near your lips
Where I once brushed death with my fingertips
These pictures aren't highways and memories not cars
It could be the reason I never get very far
The floodgates have opened and the townsfolk will flee
I'd rather sink than swim just to hope you'd rescue me.

/dm/

Wax Museum

I've lost your gaze
The one that saw me go so many times
Your twilight stare
That watched me turn my back and leave you behind
I've chosen my stance
Where I remain unchanged and lonely
My unwavering postion
Hands reaching out for the one and only

Staring at the night sky that blankets this unholy abyss
Stars twinkling with a rhythmic pulse like I used to hear with my head on your chest
Cold winds draw my outstretched arms to either side
As the darkness meets the morning like a new groom to his bride

I've lost all faith now
The little I ever had to begin with
My trainwrecked hope
That never reached my station like I'd wished
You've gotten so far
Don't let me bring you back from a good place
Kept me just out of sight
But out of mind is a reality I can't ever face

Walking the fruitless deserts of my familiar neighborhood
Ghosts come out of houses and headlights, but they don't know they do me no good
The frigid morning sunrise acts as no deterrent
Holding an unlit candle just for you, but all of my matches are already burnt

(dm)

It burned out the whole spectrum

Holding steady at the edge, but a strong wind could shake my grip loose
Missing you like the last puzzle piece that's not in the box
Without you nothing is complete and this picture lacks meaning
I feel you in the dark but know I'm by my lonesome
Your eyes are flashing bulbs capturing the moment
Between the sheets of lies and empty promises we write pages of future regrets
This night's lust will be eclipsed by the rationale brought by the morning sun
I've got keys to locks that don't exist
I try them in your door like internal organs that just don't fit

..dm..moretocome..

Nobody knows me

I'm feeling extra empty today, not for lack of trying to fill myself with food and family.
Holidays are vaccuums that can suck the life out of you.
It's like i'm incapable of genuine emotion.
It hasn't even been that long since I felt, or thought I did.
But you've lost your appeal like a bad lawyer.
I guess you can trust in the fact that everyone can let you down.
And you can hold on to that if you're a heartbroken, insensitive narcissist.
Like me.
I just want to let go and hope I'll float off, weightless.
The chords and drums from my speakers echo the invisible tears I cry.
This is a rant and nothing better.
When I'm feeling alone I need to make friends out of new words.
Maybe it's because when I stand still for a moment, I can easily see all that's passing me by.
I need to get moving or I won't recognize anything anymore.
Keep lowering the bar.. cuz I'm falling down and I want another drink.

~dm~dm~dm~dm~dm~

Dreaming Dearly Departed

I'm opening up to the undertow of us pulling away
I'm fishing for a fresh feeling and you're the catch of the day
I'm standing on a stepping stone in your poison pond
And drowning from your fragrance of which I was fond
We're driving with the windows down in winter
Watching cars collide calmly with concrete and splinter
Distant descriptions of decomposition
And corpses come crawling with hopes of contrition
Waking up to the sickening sound of a pipe organ
And the scent of sex on a sunday morning
The procession proceeds past polite passers-by
Earning momentary respect from each earnest eye
Alkaline kisses can't come between kindred lips
Lessons learned over time leave lesser men betwixt
Resignation rarely rears its head in recognition
But buried beneath bluegrass beats a heart we're missing.

~dm

Magnetic North

She wraps herself in her favorite songs like a blanket on a cold morning
but she still can't warm her feet
Her fingers clench a pen tap, tap, tapping on blank notebook pages
but she just can't find the words
She opens a window to breathe fresh air she can't find in her room
but the oxygen never seems to reach her lungs
Her thoughts circle the track like a holiday toy train
but the bridge is out ahead

This is the evolution of a girl whose legs just couldn't carry her
To all the places she saw in dreams and knew she'd go
As life would pass her fast and faster still her dreams depart
She sat awake and still like a river trying to change its flow

She stirs her fears in with her bread and bakes for days
but when it rises she's only more afraid
Her crimson lips met golden skin in gorgeous valleys on her face
but she hid herself in mountains far away
She holds her shoulders back and stands up straight with pride
but her bones slouch sadly inside
Her words drain slowly cold from the faucet at her mouth
but there is no heater to warm them

This is the destruction of a girl whose arms couldn't reach out far enough
To catch all the things she knew she could get
As time passed her slowly and stranger still her life moved past
She sat staring at her ocean like a captain with no idea which direction was home

What have you sewn?

I step out from the shade and feel the sun
It does little to warm this body
Just illuminates the pain inside
And presents it with a smile on my face
I know I'll never get the things I want
Still I walk along with this swagger
Finding hope in every passing moment
But remaining a hopelessly desperate child
I want you all to myself
But I'll do just what I want
You know I'd come if your voice called me
I'll be there for you, just not alone
I stand here humbled by the world
It passes by while I sit still
Curtains pulled to stay in darkness
Hiding the face you don't want to see
I have my standards and you have yours
If you're not like me, what are you still here for?
Riding vanity like a cold wave to the shore
I'll be sticking around but you can't take anymore
Ducking down low where you've set the bar
It's not uncommon to play these things
If you can't be happy with what you've got
Put on a haze with your scarf and take a shot
Unfinished words dig below you like shovels
The ground is moist and ready to hold you
Bury your sins with your words and never visit
They'll come back as soon as you wish they wouldn't

~dm~

Are you dying to believe

..I can't go on without you?

I can't see so well.
I'm limited to what's right in front of me.
The cold from the window.
The tap of the rain on the glass.
The smell of this sweatshirt.
The rug beneath my feet.
This familiar happy feeling.
The one that never lasts.
Clever words woven together in shapes I've made before.
This water isn't changing into wine.
I need something stronger.
What's the point of "used to be's" and "i remember's"?
Sad reminders that you had it better once.
What's to come, could it be as good?

"And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if anything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again." ~FF

Home from home

I'm sitting staring at the darkness that surrounds the square light of my laptop.
It's just black, but a familiar black.
If the only light went out, I could find the door or the pen lying next to my bookshelf.
It's the same darkness I've stared at for so many years.
Sitting on the same bed in the same room.
Walking down the same hallways and stairs.
Pacing up and down the same driveway on the phone at night.
Looking through the same branches from the same tree to see the same stars.
Driving the same roads to the same places time and again.
I'm always running away, but I'm never getting anywhere.
Always somewhere new, but I never stay.
New roads, new skylines, new people and new bridges.
All fleeting and left behind to return to familiarity.
I want to drive away and watch the scenery behind me fall apart.
Watch it deconstructed like a movie set.
The places I once knew reduced to open space with no trace of home.
I want to cross over that bridge once more and see it fall into the river.
Could I stay away?
Would I drive on and make a new life in a new place?
Or would I rebuild the bridge and put back up the town just how I knew it?
What is home?
Can it be reduced to a single dwelling or a collection of streets and well-known sights?
Could it be just a feeling, with no permanent locale?
Perhaps it's different for everyone, but I'm ready to find out how far I can take this home.

Dark Day

I'm lying flat, waiting
Ready for surgeons to purge this feeling from my brain
I've been in this bed forever
I'm not sure that I could walk upright even if I tried
Legs like numb concrete
It hurts to even consider walking away from this
I try to speak, to no avail
Every word cuts my throat like pieces of glass
My words are stuck inside
Escaping only as raspy grunts and coughs
Pounding inside my skull
Wanting to traverse these neurons to find freedom
Knocking at my temples
Refusing to stay locked up without at least attempting jailbreak
Hands freezing and blue
Like I've been holding these frigid metal bars for days
Turning my head from the sun
My only sanctuary lies in dreams and disillusionment.

..dm..

About rain

Is it raining where you are?
It hasn’t stopped for a while here
I wonder if it’s real anymore
Or if I’m seeing clouds where its clear
The last puddle I had to jump over
Soaked the back of my legs
And the umbrella that kept me dry
Is gone like the last words you said
The door is unlocked to come in
But the heater’s still broken
Colder inside than out
Like stories heard but not spoken
Stairways well-lit by lamps
Dusted off like shelves in an attic
Streaks unite the sky with ground
And the change in temperature is dramatic

I want to know your plans

Welcome to apathy. Or is it numbness. I wonder how I can be so affected by everything, yet so oblivious to it at the same time. I need something to keep me believing that the world's not gone dead. The news I got recently is hard to deliver, because I'm so unaffected by it for some reason. It's something that should be hitting me pretty hard, but I feel like the only way I can properly express it is through typing, so I can use the correct punctuation to convey the feelings I should be feeling.

How long can I drive towards a brick wall before I turn the wheel and get back on a road that's going somewhere? I don't have a map, but I've got a pretty good sense of direction. It's much easier without a backseat driver and I left my conscious tied up to the train tracks with black ribbon. I can't follow the plans I don't have since I never thought I'd get this far anyway. Maybe confidence isn't one of my better qualities but in these neighborhoods, showing off something like that could get you killed.

Open wounds, out of tune,
Carried away on the wind,
Singing them back to me,
Keep their melody in my head,
Finger paint, on your face,
Another artist's work displayed,
Showing it off to me,
Reminder of what I can't be,
Bitter words, weigh down your tongue,
Saving them for quick retorts,
I'll be your mirror,
So just spit them out at me,
Cold winds, bumps on your skin,
Here to warn you of Winter,
My tree's losing leaves and color,
I need some care to last to Spring.

/dm

A little far for me to reach

I can see you hanging,
Feet limp and dangling,
From the thumbtack on my wall,
Hanging, waiting to cut and fall,
The best damn actress,
Flowered and backless,
Dress held up by a spine I can't see,
Keeping your thoughts safe from me,
The fairy tale is endless,
I'll call my next witness,
Lying in bed while you're lying,
In bed, to me.

...dm

Don't say a word

I've been doing nothing today because there's nothing to do.
Listening to music and reading.
I'm about to go out and take some pictures to be productive.
Sure, I've got some homework but that's for later.

I'm ready for Autumn to arrive.
We shouldn't have the air conditioning on in October.

I would have just asked her
But that would be so out of character
I'm feeling off-center
All my letters have been returned to their sender

I can scream because nobody's listening.

These leaves remind me of you...
Beautiful no matter what color they're wearing.

Take me home

It's still wet outside, but I can see things now.
Yesterday provided an awesome storm for me to watch.
The wind blew out the sun like a candle with its breath of black clouds.
The trees staggered in the gales like early morning drunks.
And the rain came down in sheets.
I never really understood that term until yesterday.
I enjoyed myself next to the window, just watching.

It's another early morning for me.
Another day destined to disappoint.
I guess nine days is enough to kill my batteries.
I need a re-charge.
Anyone wanna take a trip with me? Just a quick one.

~
I'll make some really nice plans out of clay
And bake them in the kiln of your mind
So I can take them out and adore them
Just to smash them on the ground outside

I'll hold this idea out in front of you
So you can smell it turning to anticipation
And pull it away as your mouth is watering
So your saliva quickly turns to tears

I'll stop by the store to get another chance
That you can use and lose like the others
I've been saving up for a while now
And I'll just go out and get you another

I'll read page after page of this novel
Hoping to find myself trapped in the words
This bystander needs to take action
Maybe as a villain to become a main character

*dm*

Over and out (the door)

The sun is up, but its dark in my room.
I've got nothing of note to say.
Just staring at the sunlight on my wall filtered through my curtains.
Your words credit me with the downfall of all that is good.
When I only try to do right for you.
I can't be perfect, but I guess I don't try hard enough.
That regulation area in my brain doesn't work very well sometimes.
And sometimes it works all too well, you know.
Holding my thoughts hostage like a dam holding a reservoir.
And when it comes down, hold your breath because you're going to be submerged.
You've seen this, done this.
I almost feel like you know how to swim in my waters.
Almost.

Sometimes I think being able to sketch a picture of these words would be more helpful.
What would I draw where my eyes go?
Crystal balls that can see the future but can't change it..?
And my mouth?
A political bullhorn shouting what you want to hear until the press has packed and left..?
My heart?
A glass.. half-full or half-empty; either way waiting to be topped off or finally drained of the rest..
My mind..
A camera. With unlimited exposures and the ability to adjust the aperture and contrast to make any picture look amazing to me..
And at my feet?
A road less-traveled, forking at another juncture; legs waiting for the glass in my chest or the pictures in my head to urge them forward in one direction.

Of all the fruitless searches,
You can trace the footsteps back to love,
Looking for solace in that vessel,
Finding a home for your insecurities,
Locking them in the bottom of that chest,
The lock secured by state and minister,
The tinder cured by the soul you've chosen,
To keep the rain from wearing it away,
That soul can't keep the seal forever,
You can stop the rain and shine on for them,
Or pour down in torrents,
Releasing the lock that held you together.

...you can only do what you think is right
...losing faith, but thinking you gained insight
...blame yourself or blame your friends
...it's you who suffers in the end
...of turmoil and nights without a prayer
...search on, but no one will be there
...aiming low can't make bad look better
...she can't destroy this if you don't let her.

~shineon~dm~

Just let me

I'm listening to new songs that will soon be old favorites.
I have this familiar feeling of my dreams washing away in heavy rains.
Like I'm making that call and dialing every number just to hang up when it rings once.
I miss smiles that are just for me.
The ones that stretch across my face when you leave me with that feeling.
The ones that show up with my back to you, against a door or my car.
The ones I direct at your back, watching your hair for movement suggesting you'd turn for one last look before I'm gone.
I wish this space between us was only geography.
I'm unplugged electric and I'm ready to be turned on.
I need to feel that touch.
That shock to my system I get touching your exposed wires.
I'm just the scraps that cling to your notebook wire after you rip out a page.
I'm ready to be the pages penned full of poetry you love.
I can fill the space between the covers.

(dm)

"Just let me sing you to sleep.. Rest assured if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in, plant my lips where your necklaces close." ~ tsc

Drive yourself insane tonight..

..it's not that far away and I just filled up your tank earlier today. ~alk3

I don't write on here enough anymore, I'm usually writing with a pen because my computer screen is occupied by old episodes of House. I'm going to attempt to write more since I always read other blogs and I wanna put something out again too. This may be a hodgepodge of random things I've been writing/thinking for a while now.

The sun rests its head on your windowsill,
It beckons for me to pull back the covers,
I'd rather stay sleeping
beside the only thing that really shines for me,
The clouds hang high,
Resting atop trees; guiding me home,
Following the flow of traffic
but driving against the grain of my carved soul,
These thoughts speed around my mind,
Circling like drivers without a pacecar,
These cars don't stop
there's enough fuel here to keep them racing,
The sun will fall into the landscape,
Assuring me it will rise on us again,
It lights the moon
so I can find my way back anytime I need to.

9/28/07
You've always been my favorite road to drive on,
Autumn nights and summer days,
But the sun is gone and left the cold,
It sent the clouds to drop the rain,
And wash away the friction we shared,
My tires and your asphalt grip,
Quickly letting go of the bond we hold,
Our car is drifting out of control,
You'll be my slippery highway road,
And I'm your burning wreck.

~dm~

I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months. It's gonna be a good autumn, probably my favorite season. However, I can't wait until ski season returns! Keep your head up.