Miles away

I woke up to a beautiful breeze, a sunny day... and arguing neighbors.
...and they can't even speak proper English.
Oh, New Jersey, how do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.
I need to leave.

dm

Redefine despair

I am feeling weird tonight...
I say that a lot so maybe I'm just feeling normal..
Anyway, I have been listening to Anberlin almost exclusively lately.
with some Copeland, Emery and Anthony Green thrown in as well.
I'm listening to them right now.
I want to see them live.. they are playing live now at Cornerstone.
I'm jealous of people there.
Purple Door? ok.
I went for a long hike today.
My legs don't hurt.
They never do.
I walked and listened to nature; the birds and streams.
And I listened to myself... until I couldn't take it anymore.
There was a lot of time to hear myself while hiking alone.
I don't know if I accomplished what I wanted to by getting out by myself...
but I feel like I came up with some good metaphors if nothing else.
Stay tuned.
I always feel like I have so much to say but can't get it out..
For one reason or another.
Some of it is not appropriate for public eyes.
Some not for private eyes..
Hmm.
I realize that I really don't have anything to say now..
.

I'm in constant fear of being cut loose
Attached by the smallest thread and blowing in the wind
Just waiting for a gust of my own hot air to do the job
I imagine our tandem jump
Free of that plane that holds us
But it's just in my mind; anchor to my dreams
Nothing else is keeping me grounded these days
My favorite bone
Out of reach and under wraps
I'll keep you in a frame
But not a picture
A picture of perfection; but what doesn't belong?
I'll cut myself
And then paste somewhere that I fit in
Tracing fingertips to buried treasure
Just more fool's gold
I'll add it to my collection
Bend until you break
Regroup
Repeat.

dm

How can it be....

For some reason, I feel like I had a really good day today. I slept in but when I got up, Devin and I did some work on the house before I went for a run. I set myself a goal for running today and I just kept going until I got to it. It felt good. I just feel good tonight. I'm not going to try to question it too much because it will leave me feeling bad I'm sure. I'm just going to enjoy the nice breeze coming in the windows and go to sleep early so I can get up to go on a hike tomorrow. I have been wanting to get away from here for a while so I'm going up to PA to hike a strenuous trail and have some alone time. I hope it's enjoyable. If I don't post tomorrow.. send someone to the Conestoga Trail south of Lancaster, PA to find me because I've probably become incapacitated with no cell phone service... wish me luck...!

Goodnight

dm

Hold my breath...

5:12am. My summer sleeping schedule--scratch that, my sleeping schedule is strange. The birds start chirping well before light and every so often another bird will chime in and slowly create that early morning cacophony that makes falling asleep at dawn difficult. The sun isn't up yet but the colors are starting to appear in the sky and they are almost as amazing as some of the sunsets I have witnessed/photographed. I was just watching the clouds pass through the sky for a little while before I decided it was time for bed. I prefer watching the sunrise with someone else by my side anyway..

Have you ever fallen asleep while writing in a journal or taking notes in class? You know how your words just start trailing into little lines that run off the page as your hand drops? I just did that with the computer but I held down the "s" key and opened my eyes to find the entry box scrolled far to the right and s's still appearing there. Like this "ssssssssssssssssssssss." I thought it was funny because I've done it so much in my actual pen and paper journals... goodnight.

Dm..

ps.. I had fun at the show tonight. Feeling much better than I did this morning.. or yesterday morning. sleep.

Old enough to know but too young to care...

So once I stood up last night to go find socks and gym shorts to go for a run, I realized that my foot was still hurting from walking around in sandals all day yesterday. So no run. I just went to bed. I just spent an hour or so just lying in bed watching the fan turn, feeling the breeze come in. And now I've awoken to a beautiful day that I doubt I'll enjoy. I'm determined to try to enjoy it though.

I woke up to messages from our drummer telling us that he, once again, can't bring his own drums to our show tonight because he was too lazy to pick them yesterday or get up early enough this morning to get them before work. Since we have to load in at 5 in Philly, he can't be back from work in time to pick them up and then get back there by load-in. Despite how I feel, we're going to bring the drums for him this third and final time because a) it's our last show we have booked (possibly, and seeming more probable, our last show with Steve as drummer,) b) I'd much rather play a show at North Star Bar than leave his drums home just out of principle.

I've just had enough of everyone not caring. Congrats, everyone, I've jumped on the bandwagon. Our drummer doesn't care enough to come to a single practice in the month of June and, maybe I get too worked up about it but, nobody seems to really care. I can only go so long being the only one trying. So now I'm done. As I'm writing this, it just seems bitter. And it is. He wants to know what time we play tonight. If I tell him, I'll be he'd show up right before we play and leave immediately after. Maybe that's good though. I don't want to not care about this anymore; the band is one my favorite things to do and I'm glad we've had it. It's just too hard when nobody cares most of the time but then we it comes time to get information for shows and make decisions everyone looks at me. This may be our swan song and I hope it's catchy for those who have been nice enough to come out to our shows.

So, in my determination to enjoy this day, I have to get away from the computer and go outside. It's really nice outside, there is a breeze and I'm going to go for a run and maybe play a game of disc golf by myself. Let's hope today turns out better than I hope.

In the eternal words of Lloyd Dobbler: "If you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise."

dm.

Laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not...

I have so much to say that it feels almost impossible to say anything. I have such an overwhelming amount of information in my brain that I want to get out it's like a traffic jam. My thoughts are all vehicles trying to merge into the one lane that leads to my fingers typing, and there are so many collisions going on that none are getting through....

I went to see Whatever Works tonight in Philly with Chuck and Diebra. There is one scene in the movie where Larry David's character jumps out of a window out of his utter frustration with life and nonsense. As I was just walking down my hall I felt like doing just that. I just had this impulse to just run and go straight for the window. Uncharacteristically, I managed to fight my urges and remain where I was. For better or worse.

It was a gorgeous night out tonight. It was one of those amazing summer nights where it's not hot and humid nor is it chilly. It was that perfect temperature with a breeze that just makes you feel content. Unfortunately, these perfect nights make me think of love and happiness; two things I do not currently possess. That's not to say I don't love. I feel happy sometimes too but these moments are fleeting. It seems like sometimes attaining great happiness in one part of life somehow makes everything else seem like it's less. This ultimately leads to that one thing taking over so much of your thoughts that it's hard to enjoy anything else the same. It's like tasting the greatest fruit and knowing you will never have anything that good again. What is there to strive for if the greatest thing you can experience has already happened?

Some of this sounds contrived and probably hard to understand even for me, probably a result of the aforementioned traffic jam in my brain... but since nobody reads this it's really just for me anyway. I need to go run or something. It's a perfect night for it. Why not? 3AM runs are always good.

dm.

This was over before it ever began..

Reading blogs tonight made me realize how much I really miss blogging regularly. I do enjoy having my daily blog so I can go back and see what's been going and have pictures of a lot of thing but I miss venting about things that happened and being creative. As I always declare: I'm going to try to start updating frequently again...

I wrote this the other day but didn't post it for some reason:

The past week or so I've been feeling strange, like I'm missing something. But not in the way where you feel like it's really gone, more like that sudden feeling you get when you have your wallet in a different pocket than usual and you reach for it. Or when you don't have your keys because you left them with the valet. I keep checking my pocket trying to find something that I left elsewhere.

Final-ly done

Excuse the bad pun, but being that I'm done with finals as of yesterday, I feel okay using it. Finals is such an overstressed time. It's not even that the papers we have to write and tests we have to take are much more difficult than anything we've had all semester, it's just the fact that they are all happening at the same time. It's really not planned well. Maybe it's supposed to teach you how to juggle multiple crises at the same time. It's such a weird emotional time where you are standing on the edge of summer but you just need to tackle this one last monstrous obstacle before you can get to it. Well, I've tackled the monster and, with any luck, I did fairly well in my classes. It's disheartening that with all of the things I supposedly accomplish, I never feel like I've done anything. It just seems like I'm passing the time taking classes. Maybe it's because I've been in college for almost a third of my life now and it's hard to imagine it as a path to anywhere because it has been my reality for so long. I should be graduating this time next year. I just hope I can do something after I graduate..

dm

Ataris. Holy shit.

The winter kiss

The night wraps me up in its dark embrace.
The soft kiss of winter brushes my cheeks.
A kiss goodbye from a perfect mate.
The comfort of spring holds me at the edge of dawn.
It waits while it lets me in on its secrets.
The perfection of these combined elements pervades.
My eyes closed, I take in every breath of new life.
Each blurred light, passing like a modern shooting star.
Beckoning for me to come along to the destination.
But I am already here where stars can't take me.
The years slip from my eyes, for this feeling is timeless.
The morning light comes too soon this time.
Stealing from me the one perfect thing I have.
I will wait for you here until you return once more.
The sun will hide again to reveal you, the night, as my own.
And we will dance like the day will never come again.

dm.

Without You I'm Just Me

There is a strange but amazing clarity that accompanies loss. Loss of any kind, I suppose, but mainly that of another person. In a moment, you realize all of the things you should have said (or shouldn't have said in many cases,) could have done or would do differently if you had the chance. This is much like the "near-death" experience where one supposedly sees their life flash before their eyes. In similar fashion, this clarity happens upon an individual when an event comparable to the loss in death occurs. Everything experienced after this moment is a vivid reminder of that person. The food once shared, a street corner once visited, the mere absence of that person fills every room while the void remains in the mind. Anything that can be done to fill that void shall be attempted but often never succeeds in properly occupying the need for the previous tenant. A space forever vacant and waiting for the return of the resident.

dm

Bad posture

A lone flower grew in the garden of weeds
Blossoming to take in the sparse sunlight
Spreading joy in the patch with its vibrancy
Summer saw great weather and then in fall
But winter came to say goodbye with frozen ground
The translation came in a cold, cold breeze
The root of the problems hidden under hard soil
Sending a shivering death call up the stem
As each leaf and petal starts to sag in sadness
It rejoins the weeds without the sun
Gray clouds provide cover to this flower bed
Hoping for hope that spring will come again.

that mistake was gold..

i cover up as i ascend a mountain to get closer to something
legs burning as the rest of me freezes in the snow
what does it mean when i can only speak to you with eyes closed
whispering prayers to no god in particular, hoping to be heard
words turn to vapor in the cold air and slowly disappear
maybe if i can see them, you can hear them
crossing that plane between us like old letters
pounds of dirt and stone can't bury this memory
i dig them up every year and look for new ways to forget
things would be so much easier
i would switch places in an instant
the world could be a little better for it.

dm...

...

So this is life..
and here I sit and watch as it parades by,
trying to find a reason to march along.
It's not so bad..
they're seraching for an ever present eye
by staring up to bright fluorescent skies.

smoke rings

driving down dusty highways, wiping the slate clean
passing waterfalls of past desires
sneaking a glance over the edge to see what awaits us
at the bottom of a canyon we'll all fall into
trying to get to the better things we're hoping for
but the roads are frozen
friction is necessary to get anywhere
we've been spinning our wheels for quite some time
laminating our ages so they won't change
following the grain in the wood and the tune in our heads
writing our history in pencil so we can change it later
looking at the world through this old lens
it's time for a new prescription

*dm

Understanding in a..

The memories of you evaporated with the summer's warmth,
Now they're falling like a raining reminder,
This cold shoulder has become a harsh winter storm,
Freezing the exits to memory lane,
Navigation here is second nature under normal conditions,
Until I hit your black ice (eyes) and slide,
I should be thinking that I need to turn into the skid,
But I'm wondering how I turned into this kid,
Vacant and unprepared as seconds decide my fate,
Gears and tires spin out of control,
Your life can't flash before your eyes if you never had one,
Swerve to a stop on the edge and try again.

....i haven't been here in a while...always somethingelse goingon....i'd say i'llbeback but i never know...i'llbeback.dm.

What's left

The stars seem extra bright tonight.
It always seems like they stand out more when it gets cold.
Maybe because there are less leaves to obstruct their view.
Maybe the cold enhances the senses.
No matter how much they shine on me I feel dark tonight.
Insignificant.
I feel undercover.
Playing at all these relationships.
I don't really belong here.
I don't fit.
But I can act like I do.
I'm reaching out to something that isn't there.
It never was.
Neither was I.
Sweep me under the rug and pretend I never made this mess.

dm.

All my imperfections

"She said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar.."
But I'm not lighting up for you.
I've grown resentful of the environment.
You keep me behind glass.
I'm running out of air inside.
It's time to smash the glass and fly away.
Somewhere I can burn brighter than I ever could with you.
You've got fireproof eyes but I'm burning through you with mine.

dm.

We all live on...

you've always given me handfuls of tomorrows

now i'm left with just today

putting on this act for anyone still watching

haven't you heard? vaudeville's dead

you're always my (mis)leading lady

your eyes keep you exposed like wires

just twice as dangerous

and i know you'll never be shocked by me

out of state, out of mind

or close enough

i'll cut my losses and see if they bleed

you can't feel empty when what you lose means nothing

if you're the arsonist, i'm the fire

burning beautiful before becoming black, ugly ashes

feeling infinite without you in my mind

'i'd prefer not to be rescued'

you were my faith, but empty as religion

just another story to make me feel hope

if you were deified before, consider this my blasphemy

my atheism to your scripture
getting older
getting sober
getting over
it's getting old.

....dm

Do not ask questions

Watched Fight Club tonight/last night.
As many times as I've seen it, it seemed to tell me something new.
Are we really who everyone thinks we are?
Could we be someone other than we think?
Is it possible that you only know who I want you to?
There could be another person out there posing as me or vice versa.
What if I'm aware of my other self, but unaware it's not someone else?
It could be.
We are the same person.
You're just who I want myself to be.
I am slowly becoming you.
I am you.
You are me(aningless.)

dm.

Pull this thread...

something tastes so sweet but leaves you feeling bitter
look at the swarm you've attracted
getting a taste of your sugar substitute
buzzing around your door, hungry for the real thing
building statues in your honor
in case we need something to hate
giving me all these shots of hope
but i always have to watch the needles go in
smash your wine glass and then take a drink from it
catch the blood from your lips as it paints your white dress
dressing you up and calling you out
the brightest reds will shout loud to stay away
clotting on your chin like we did in winter
you would play it off the same way like you planned it
so tall and proud on your extra three inches
but your weak heels can't hold up what i stand for
your candle is still burning
the (night)tables are turning
that little flame so unaware of the fire behind my eyes
you couldn't make a fabric with the threads of truth you've spun
keep wearing the lies you tell yourself
everyone will be gone soon
i'll be waiting to see your smile die
i'll pen a death sentence for the paragraphs and pages you've written.

xo.dm

Start over on Monday

Stars are making a comeback tonight.
Peeking out of the dark, hiding from the sun.
I think I've had the time to wish on every one.
Clouds moving slowly like my hand.
Inching towards yours until my sense comes back.
Clean up your act.
I'll clean off my ax.
Listening to the silent stoplights change.
Warm summer nights make you feel your age.
We're drinking down stars like wine.
Let's get drunk off this sky.
Is summer over?
Some are over you.
Skyscrapers climb high from empty roads.
Making me wonder about the ones we chose.
Call me a thief, but it's glances I steal.
Walking through fiction, but it seems too real.
Your hands on your hips.
My mind on your lips.
Holding a thought for another day.
Goodnights and let the music fade.

*dm

The Lake

Feelings aren't what they used to be.
They've lost muscle mass with age.
They just can't land a punch like they could before.
They're lacking the strength and stamina of the fighter they once were.
Commonplace feels out of place.
These waters run deep,
but when you're sleeping they freeze beneath your feet.
My arms have been around you for all this time.
Holding you (back.)
My mind always forgets to let go.
Memories keep quiet.
Regrets always speak out of turn.

>dm

What doesn't kill you makes you stranger...

I can't really think straight right now.
I feel like I'm drunk but I haven't had any alcohol.
I can feel my mind spinning while I stand still.
It's a ridiculous sensation.
I can't focus on one thought long enough.
It just goes by.
There is no time to make sense of anything.
This is overwhelming.
This isn't poetry, this is a call for help.
Unless anyone reading is a doctor, no use trying.
Crying would be useful now.
I need to get away from these feelings.
I just want to be in another place, a later time when all this has passed.
I want sleep, but I'm wide awake.
Give me a straight jacket.
Or a sport coat, I'll go crazy in style.
It feels like I'm in withdrawal.
Maybe I am.
I need a fix.
Of you.
I need to fix me.
Gotta take out my contacts so I can see things more clearly.
I'll crawl between the pages of a book and hold your place.
I'm waiting at the end of your favorite line.
Hiding out behind punctuation.
You're always my ellipses...

dm.ntd

Keep your receipt

"Nothing is genuine"
And we're not unique.
I think like a shark,
Keep swimming or you'll die.
I want to fall asleep next to you.
I hate being alone
because I'm such bad company.
One hand on your hip bone,
The other in your hair.
It's only me.
That's the problem.

dm

Don't you float away...

I move, cutting through the breeze,
My mind is racing but having a hard time keeping up.
My feet pound the ground hard,
Like the powerful heartbeat of the ghost next to me.
The ghost of a girl who once took each step with mine,
Keeping pace and saving me with every smile.
Seven miles and I still haven't gotten anywhere,
It sounds a little too familiar to think about.
Relentlessly running, the clear night sky opened up,
And rained down reason on me.
Stretching my arms to catch a falling moon,
To keep the night around for just a while longer.
I stand beside the morning,
Making wishes that you could stand alongside me.
As the sky goes black,
My legs stop pushing forward and lead me back.
I know where I'm going now,
I just don't know how to get there.

---<~.oOo.~>---

Keep breathing.
Sorrow is a funny thing.
Especially to someone that can't show it well.
Regret is a word used too often.
I was running to (from) your words.
My own found me again.
While I was out your name fell from the list.
I should have said it earlier.
My mistake.
Like all of them.
Do things still haunt you?
Does the slightest thing remind you?
It does me.
In a good way every time.
Not just sometimes.
This is me out there.
As far as I usually get before I fall.
Formality is overrated.
Let's have a summer.
Water slides and midnight drives.
Upside down hearts can't trust right anyway.
Come see the world through my lens.
We'll take over the town.
Making headlines like celebrities.
Can we be the (re)cover story?
Tune in next week.
My eyes are wide and not closing.
"She was a wreck but he loved her."
The words are flashing.
I'll be here.
Waiting to see if you get this message in a bottle.
"She was wreck but so was he."
Consider this my throw into the ocean.
Splash.

Oo.dm.oO

Don't call my name out your window, I'm leaving..

It always gets harder to come in early,
Chasing after words when they won't come to you.
Bring that cigarette to your vodka lips,
Let me bum a smoke to burn down what we built up,
Can you hum a note from the songs we used to sing?
Is this the last time we'll ever feel ok?
I'm thinking of our best kiss,
Dreaming of a death wish.
These words have become bars-
Break me out.
Take me out.
Build a bridge across my attention span.
Making advances like the military.
Fighting for a chance to get back what we lost.
It's harder to find things that don't remind me,
so don't remind me.
We'll sit and wait for someone else to do just what we want to.

dm.

Sending Postcards from a Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)

Our big star rises on a new day,
But something so familiar comes with it,
Somehow staying up to watch the night turn to day
Just means a little more like this.
Midnight conversations are already sleeping,
Four a.m. conversations are where the real party is.
A bittersweet reunion for my ears
With words I can't help but love to hear.
Talking of gods and religion,
But thinking of things that are probably even more far-fetched.
It feels like we're already climbing mountains,
Maybe we can get to the summit one day.
It seems that even while holding what you want
You can't really have it.
A perfect summer night follows me around,
Making plans for future visits.
Nostalgia vs. Memory- Who will prevail?
They're both fighting for the same team.
Eyes like miles of highway,
Seeing barely to the horizon with so much left to explore.
Invisible force pulling me toward a wonderful collision,
Stopped and repelled by opposing forces.
Chances gone but hope still remains close by,
Don't forget to write.

dm

Destination: One block outside of my head

The dead never stay buried,
Especially not in my head.
How could I feel so dark
When the sun is out at noon?
I feel caught; found out.
A delayed reaction, perhaps.
It's claustrophobic in this room
Like the humidity is crowding me in,
Acting for all the souls I've scarred,
All the friendships I've fouled.
Slow suffocation would be just;
Eye for an eye, or breath for a breath.
I didn't see this coming--
Blindsided out of complacency.
Just like them.
Just like every time.
Open wounds aren't attractive,
but here they are for all to see.
I wasn't much to look at before anyway,
so don't stop staring now.
It's hard to say goodbye to something
When you never had it to start with.
It's for the best, you're like the rest,
You can't argue with that logic.
Eyes front--
Don't look back.
I don't want to see that you never cared;
I don't think you want to see that I did.
Your skin can't cover what you've got inside,
Lips can't mask the monster,
Eyes can't disguise the disease,
Hair can't hide the horror.
I've run out of forgiveness,
What about everyone else?

*dm*

I've finally found that life goes on without you...

..and the world still turns when you're not around.

It’s been a while since I’ve said anything
So much is different
But it’s so much the same
Story of my life
Or at least the last four years
I’ve been writing differently
Sentences instead of fragments
Press-releases instead of sound bytes
I think politics is like a big high school election
Name calling and smear campaigns
It won’t get fixed until it’s not about that anymore
I feel so disconnected from anything that major
One vote in a sea of millions
One pebble on the side of the campaign trail
I elect to ignore it all for a while
You’re not ready
I’m ill prepared
We could start the clock on a real deadline and not know it
Neither of us could set aside the time
It’s so easy to disconnect from rationality
I can pride myself on being logical
But where is logic when it really counts?
I boast intelligence
But what good is it when it’s not put to use?
Simple words escape
They define me instead of the other way around
You don’t even know
I’m here waiting
Looking in on your words like a voyeur
If I stare long enough maybe I’ll become a part of it
Invite me in and I might come
You can trace my veins like highways and see where they lead
I carry lies in my jacket to sell like watches
And you’re a repeat customer
Curl up under your blankets tonight
It’s going to get cold again.

Fireworks

I felt somewhat inspired today and I wrote a short story. It's quite short, don't worry. Let me know what you think, this is just the first version.

***********************

All I could taste was the metallic flavor of my own blood as it dripped through my teeth onto my tongue. It turns out seeing stars is a real thing, but it’s more like fireworks. The instant before you feel the impact your vision goes black and you’re at a Fourth of July picnic with the explosions of yellow, blue and red lighting up the dark sky of your eyes. Just for an instant. Then the pain registers in your face. There’s a special type of pain involved when someone’s knuckles connect with your face on a frigid winter day in Chicago. It’s like the crack of a wooden baseball bat firing a fastball back to the stands. Everyone can hear it and even more, they can feel it.

I could feel the pebbles on the sidewalk slide under my hands as I tried to keep myself from hitting too hard. Then the inevitable smack of the back of my head on concrete. It made a dull thud but I could hear the echo ringing in my ears. Once my eyes started working again, I turned my head to see feet shuffling away. Just muttering voices and muffled laughter over the scratch of Chuck Taylor’s in the gravel.

I just lay there for a while, staring up at the gray sky. The lower, darker clouds moved faster than the ones above them. It felt almost tranquil. Once I mustered the will to get up, I started to feel the pain again. My head started throbbing and I almost fell back down. I brushed the dirt off my hoodie, summoning an intense stinging to my palms. I held them just inside the sleeves of my sweatshirt as I walked, trying not to move them at all, lest the intense sting of cold on concrete-scraped hands return.

I had a long walk ahead of me, but it felt cathartic in a way. Even though it just happened, I felt that I could reflect on what had happened and why. I knew this moment was coming before I even left school today. I knew and I almost welcomed it.

It all began during second period. I had Advanced English, which was normally reserved for seniors, but they let me in as a sophomore because of my high test scores. I’m something of a geek, in that I read a lot and enjoy doing math problems for fun. I get made fun of sometimes, but I have some friends in this school. I like to think one of them is Amanda Pearlman. She is a senior and sits in front of me in Advanced English.

Amanda came into class looking strange today, so I asked her what was wrong. She began crying almost immediately, telling me that her boyfriend had cheated on her again. It’s true that it happened before but they had since made up and were still together. Being her friend, as well as someone with a huge crush on her, I felt that I should do something. She got sad while I got angry. I could hear her stifled sobs and watched from the seat behind while she wiped her eyes for the rest of class. I had to do something.

The entirety of my Gym and History classes were spent devising a plan. I must have gone through about fifteen while watching a documentary about the Holocaust. I thought he deserved to go to a concentration camp to tell you the truth. Maybe I was being a little melodramatic, but I was really pissed at the guy. I decided burning him alive was neither warranted nor possible on such short notice and I moved on to my next idea.

By the time school got out, I knew what I was going to do. I knew that Josh, Amanda’s boyfriend, hung out by the water fountains talking to his jock buddies until most people had left after school. They would walk down Lombard Street to the deli on their way home. I crossed the street and waited next to a tree where I could see them talking between the line of buses. I knew they’d be coming soon and I would be ready for them.

I watched as my bus drove off without me, followed by the last two buses in the line. After the loud diesel rumbles of the school buses were gone, a familiar quiet fell over the schoolyard. It’s a strange experience to be somewhere that you know should be loud when it’s not. Like standing in the middle of an empty football stadium. Just the waning conversations of a few cheerleaders walking toward the field for practice and the distant, deep voices of the group of jocks that had just begun their walk away from the water fountains. The silence was telling. This was it.

I had my back against the tree, facing away from them, but I could hear them joking and shoving each other as they got closer. I dug my fingernails into the tree and closed my eyes for a moment before I turned and came face to face with them. They looked stunned. After exchanging glances, Josh spoke up. “What the hell do you want, kid?”

I opened my mouth, but all of the words I planned to say were gone. All that came out was, “You!…” And then I trailed off.

“You want me? You faggot, get the hell out of my way.”

I suddenly found some courage, “No, you need to stop treating Amanda like shit!” I surprised myself with that exclamation. “Stop cheating on her,” I finished up. This was not the plan. I was not seeming tough at all. More like a scared orphan asking for more porridge from the headmaster.

Josh just laughed with his friends, “You’re kidding right? That’s cute, someone’s got a crush.” He smiled his biggest smile, pushing me aside and walking past me. I couldn’t let him leave like this. I called upon what little confidence I had.

“You don’t deserve her. You should appreciate what you have! You’re just a piece of shit jock that thinks he’s better than everyone else and you’re not!” I could hardly believe I was saying these things. He gave his friends each a look, then walked slowly over to me. He stopped about a foot away, looking me right in the eyes, smirking slightly. I didn’t blink. He shook his head like he was going to say something, then-- CRACK! Fireworks. And you know the rest.

So here I am, walking the ten miles to my house along Lake Michigan. The cold air feels great. I feel great. I feel like I stood up for someone I really care about, even if she doesn’t care about me the same way. It was like the fireworks weren’t because of head trauma, but in celebration of my victory. It has something to do with the subtleties of unrequited love. Everything seems more intense. Like a punch in the face on a cold day. Or a long walk home with a bloody smile and a clear conscience.

.dm.

Where You Want to Be

I'm starting to get that feeling again that I need to leave.
I've gotta drive away to somewhere I don't know.
Knowledge isn't power when you know it like this.
All I want is warm air.
Windows down.
Music up.
Sing-alongs.
Best friends.
Long nights.
Tall beers.
Skies full of stars.
And minds filled with more.
So let's throw caution to the wind and hope it floats away.
Let's throw the pearls back into the ocean.
The diamonds back into the dirt.
Until it's just us.
Me.
You.
The moon.
Nothing to stop us but us.

.dm.

Alone I can barely light a match...

...but together we can burn this place down. ~fys

How can I learn from my mistakes
When my mistakes are such bad teachers?
Or maybe I’m just a poor student
Passing notes instead of paying attention
What would it be like to live outside this skin?
No easier than I pretend
It comes easy to you, or so you make it seem
That’s how it looks from over here
These words aren’t work
But my days are labor
I can’t be content to live and die
In one single blink of a god’s eye
These clouds pass by the sun
Like moments of motivation in my day
Raining showers of thoughts
Gone before you knew they were here

* * *

Spring weather always makes me nostalgic
I’m just not sure what for
It makes me homesick for a place that never existed
Feeling the cool breeze at 3am is the best
Walking in solitude in the early morning darkness
In shorts and a t-shirt makes me wish I were younger
The warmth at night makes me want the beach
There’s nothing like that atmosphere
Sand covering your feet
Moon hovering over the water
Waves crashing rhythmically
As you walk hand in hand with someone who makes you feel just right
Hoods over your heads and zippers up to your smiles
Bottle caps and best friends
Whiskey breath and dead ends
Hiding in the shadows cast by police lights
Cuz that’s just where we live
Lifeguard chairs are the top of the world
Ice cold ocean feet on the hottest girl
Pre-dawn breezes whisper to our covered ears
They tell us to leave but we’re not going anywhere
Morning gulls, they call and call
Wasting their time, just like us
Sleeping silence from the city
As asphalt feet bring us back to reality
We walk away from that grainy perfection
Knowing we can’t just walk back and have it be the same
We can grin on our pillows tonight, though
Knowing that the songs carried on that wind will stay with us forever.

*dm*

Jersey Drive

I'm lying to my face
but who do I think I'm kidding?
I'm dying in this place
but I deserve all that I'm getting

You're not what I thought you'd be
That's just the way we do
I'd drive across New Jersey and I'd
Cut the state in two

These nights you seem so far from my town
I still feel your lips like they just left my mouth
My mind doesn't wonder 'bout the places they've been
Just searches for your taste all over her skin

I'm lighting up matches
To burn down this mattress
We buried the hatchet
But I'm digging up axes
To cut the ties
And spill the lies
I was hypnotized
Now you can't disguise--

All the things you made me do for you
What I'd bring was nothing new to you
Pull my eyes out to improve the view
And you deserve the things I'll do to you

I'm lying in my face
but I'm the only one I'm kidding
Living life disgraced
but who can keep track of my sinning?

I'm just not who I thought I'd be
That's just the way we do
I'd drive across New Jersey and I'd
Do it just for you

I'd drive across New Jersey and I'd
Say goodbye to blues

I'd drive across New Jersey just to
Cut that state in two again for you.

dm.intherain.

Drifter

My head feels full..
Like I’ve eaten too much information already today
“Stick a pin in it..”
…dreaming nightly of your kiss
walking through days like clenched fists…
Hours alone in strange places
Stacks of books not worth reading
Upside down chairs on desks remind me of childhood
I’m no authority figure
They handed me this position
I need to escape
From this town
From my head
I’ve never felt so trapped
I’ve always been comfortable here
I need to leave so I’ll want to come back
The beaches are calling my name
But when I get there they give me the cold shoulder
Perception is more than how you look at something
It’s how something looks back
So amazed how something inanimate--time--can make me sad
I’ll be gone sooner than you think.

.heart.dm.

This isn't who I am

I wonder where you are as I watch the moon rise,
Sitting beneath its glow and the yellow stars it cries,
This time last year, as I waited for replies,
I felt the lunar pull from your dark, night eyes.

I've traveled neither distance nor mind,
Telling myself I'd been waiting for a sign,
But the paths diverged and I'm still left behind,
Forever searching but not knowing what I hope to find.

I stand, hands in pockets, waiting for my ride,
But the train is long gone and no more will arrive,
I don't walk, run, hitch or even try,
I simply wait, saying "It will be here. In time."

Moving on is a virtue for me that never came,
Letting go of something that meant so much seemed insane,
With time came knowledge, and with knowledge, pain,
The moon rises without you and nothing can ever stay the same.

* * *

I haven't been around in a while. I've been in a coma as far as blogs were concerned. I've been reading a lot in place of writing. So, to the few people that may look at this, I hope to be making a return in full force. But you know how plans go. It's okay to comment on this and earlier writings. I'd like to hear what people think because I'm a harsh critic of myself. These aren't always what I'd consider finished, polished works. They are, more often than not, words that come off the top of my head. So, tell me what you like and what you don't. Or just say 'hey, you never post in here anymore' so I know someone's still reading.

dm

...of mistakes we made.

Sharp, sharp dreams
cutting into the morning
Like Black Kites
Against the mid-day sky,
Tied to our fingers
As a daily dark reminder
that we're stuck..

Stuck staring at silhouette cities
Leaning on landscape ledges
Sunset skyscrapers stand tall
Impeding our well-planned path
Open doors demand more, more!
We sit in stagnant stupors
Drying like circular coffee stains
Whose primary purpose
And solitary service
Is to forewarn
forlorn future friends.....

...of mistakes we made.

Sunken

You're writing pages of a story to me,
but it's nothing that I'd wanna read,
I'm keeping holes in my heart so you can slip it in your notebook,
I'm leaving messages on phones just hoping that you'll look,
Airing out my sins
But this isn't making sense
There's just not enough of you to go around.
I'm talking words that don't make sense to you,
still there's nothing that you'd try to do,
My house is held up by empty pedestals you stood on,
All the candles burnt out on the mantle since you've gone,
Hanging on this anchor's chain
I'm drowning while I try to change
This ship has sailed and sunk, tide's come in, goodbye.

....dm....

It's true, writer's block is a slow painful way to die live.

Tiny Incisions

"He falls back onto clean new sheets of a freshly made bed, surrendering to the infinite choices life has provided for him. The hardness of the mattress has never felt so real. Mouth agape, he stares at the wall, the door, the pile of clothes on the floor. Some new realization is taking over but it isn't taking hold. The feelings coarse through his body but the ideas can't be articulated. Always one to reject reality, he ignores this and hopes it will pass. But it doesn't. It doesn't and it never will. His struggles will do no good against this adversary. Acceptance is the only weapon that can lull this beast into a slumber. Good night."

"Fear not the future and things you can't know,"
That's what she said to me,
"You're the only one I can be myself around, you make me feel so..."
As if it were an acceptable apology,
Why did we spend all that time?
Why did we waste each other's minds?
And never walked the pond twice,
You knew you'd go back, despite all advice,
Was it worth the words spoken and songs sung?
Nights with stars in our hearts and the sunrise on the tips of our tongues,
Pockets full of memories collecting like lint,
Fading like the light we made when I was a spark to your flint,
"I'm just not ready now, give me some time,"
I complied foolishly,
"I thought you'd forgotten me, it's been quite a while..."
Goodbye and good luck to you and to me.

.dm.

A Road Traveled

I feel like I'm at a fork in the road once again. It's the same one as the last time. And the time before that. I don't simply choose a path and follow it, for better or worse. No, I start walking and decide that this isn't the kind of trail I'd like to travel on. The view is nice, but the ground is muddy, making it hard to walk and, well, I don't want to get these shoes dirty. So I trudge back to the divergence and select a more suitable road for my purposes. It's a clean, dry walk this time.. but there's simply no scenery. On top of that, I can't remember the last person to pass by who seemed worthy of conversing with. No, this won't do either, but have I come too far to return to where this road splits in all directions? Shoud I risk trekking down another thoroughfare of unknown conditions? There's no telling what types of terrain or ne'er-do-wells I could encounter the next time around. So, here you find me, strolling slowly at the edge of my most recent route, throwing thoughtful glances from whence I came, waiting for my feet to join my mind that's already turned back.

-dm-

The Dangers of Conformity

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I have not lived.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

To be read at the start of all Dead Poet's Society meetings.

I love movies that give me such a good feeling. Granted, it does end on somewhat of a down note, but the spirit of the film outweighs that greatly. In an environment built firmly on the conformity of each and every student, one teacher goes against the grain and treats his students like free-thinking individuals with ideas and personalities. Wouldn't that be great? I'm not saying all of my teachers have been stuffy old men that treat us like children, but I can't say I've ever been inspired enough to stand on my desk and recite poetry. I would love to be though.

John Keating: "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, 'O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?' Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

The passion behind this one monologue just makes me want to go out and live life to the fullest. Wouldn't it be great to learn in a new way and enjoy yourself at the same time? To have meetings late at night, crowded in a cave reciting old poetry and creating your own and living life. Let's start a new chapter, who's with me?

Back to reality, I spent my afternoon in a remarkably less stimulating classroom environment drawing a still life. With art supplies, gas, food and textbooks, not to mention my current status as unemployed, it's getting harder daily to keep my kleptomaniacal urges under control.

I did vote today, but that brings to mind far too many topics, who have been ganging up and snickering at my confused little brain lately, for me to coherently link together right now. Suffice to say: I've never understood racism.

.dm.

I found this while reading some Whitman poems and it seemed appropriate.

I Sit and Look Out
Walt Whitman

I sit and look out upon all the sorrows of the world,
and upon all oppression and shame;
I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men, at anguish with themselves,
remorseful after deeds done.

Riding Free

“A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

The first half of this quote is common knowledge, the other half was ingrained in our minds today during our trip to the Big Apple. Free train transit (provided graciously by NJ Transit for college students in an attempt to show us how useful it is so we'll keep using it after the freebie week is over and the prices return to their ungodly rate) led me to plan a trip to the city for no reason in particular. It was raining when we left, but I decided I'd rather be wet in New York than dry in New Jersey most of the time anyway.

The trip was good, while serving no purpose but to kill time that could have (Read: Should have) been spent on portfolios, homework, projects, etc. I'm a big fan of procrastination, so this was just fine with me. We strolled through Central Park, rode the subways from uptown to downtown and back again, paid way too much for sandwiches at a deli, saved the life of an injured pigeon (tried to anyway..) and were harrassed by not one, but TWO NJ Transit officials about our free student passes. Ah, New York, you never let me down.

Oh, and where do the ducks go in the winter?

It seems they just move to another pond that's not frozen. I guess if the winter had been this mild when Holden Caulfield was heading back home, that fond musing may never have been thought of. Glad the (fictional) winter was much colder then, because I wonder the same thing...

Trains always inspire me. I don't know what it is about them, but the clanking wheels, screeching brakes, chug of the engine and teetering passenger cars just make me giddy and full of things to say.

I remember riding the train next to you, casually tuned into the sound of your headphones. Sidestepping onto the landing and up the stairs to the grandeur that is New York City's streets. Never once glancing to your side, at me, nor removing an earbud for just a second to listen to any words that were dropping from my mouth, hopelessly into the gutters and through the city sewers for purification. Maybe one day you'll turn on your faucet and pour out some of my recycled sentences, drinking them unknowingly and thinking of me. Just maybe.

Why do people linger with us like the phantom limbs of a wounded soldier? We've fought the fights we expected to win, and the ones we never intended to fight at all, losing more than we knew we could live without. But still after the war is long over, we think we can stand on legs that we've left behind and try swinging fists attached to arms that just aren't there. When can we become whole again without these severed appendages?

.dm.

Flow

I drove this morning with the lonely day moon.
It hung sad without any stars to keep it company.
It reminded me of your eyes.
You throw them like beautiful bricks through the windows to my soul.
Your devil may care facade smiles like an aging actress.
It could use a facelift.
I yearn for an audience to hear my shouts.
But once I had one I don't think I'd know what to say.
It's good to have an optimist around.
I'm just so pessimistic about optimists, though.
I'm skeptical (jealous?)
It's hard to believe they're being genuine sometimes.
That's just my perspective taking over.
I guess attitude is a big part of how things turn out and being upbeat can probably only help.
This stream of consciousness has flowed through so many forests of fakes and dumped into too many lakes of lies to think of treading back against the current.
I'll remain content in a placid pond of lost thoughts.

Glow

Sleep deprived.
Not yet, but it won't be long.
What does someone like me have to offer?
Each keystroke is a moment I could have spent doing something productive.
Still waiting to be inspired.
Current waiting time is still indefinite.
My scars stare up at me like friends recounting old memories.
Telling it like it is, holding nothing back.
Real friends don't have "end" in their title because they're brothers and comrades.
You were always the one there to hold their hair back after we let them drink too much.
Your door is closed most of the time, but you should know I'll be on the other side when you want to open up.
To the friendships that met their ends: thanks for the memories.
Some jokes just aren't funny without you around for them.
Excuse Don, but everyone else just thinks I'm being stupid.
Some too proud or pious, just leave it be.
I'm getting by just fine with what I've got, despite the words I cry on here.
You'd probably be happy to know my finger still flicks my blinker on every time I pass your street.
I'll lay here awake under covers, happy in the glow of my screen until the alarm sounds and I haven't slept at all.
Welcome back, insomnia.

I know what you think..

We live alone right next to one another.
Dwelling in the shadows but blinded by each others' words.
Speaking with sarcastic seriousness only we understand.
Stuttering silence as we scribble standard prose.
Seeking, desperately searching underneath our clothes.
Hiding behind hair and holding pale blue hands.
Hemorrhaging heartbeats beneath glass chests.

This is what we convince ourselves we need.
All you've been dreaming of, it surely must be love.
Twisted like cables behind red eyes.
A stare like a plane crash that took off with no intention to land.
My big city eyes can't stick to the suburbs for long.
I'm next to you in body, but my mind is far gone.
Just cross all your fingers and hope that I'll change into someone else.
But there's no way that heart's as fucked up as mine.

Losing my voice like keys.
Playing hearts like a game.
This night is no different and only the weather has changed.
Lie awake under rising suns, wondering if this is where we belong.
Each well-crafted word means a little less than the last.
You can't pull off dialogue like this without a supporting cast.
Embrace another winter morning that keeps you in bed a little longer.
Passing by opportunities like train stops, racing back to our dreams.

.dm.

..you don't have to say it.

Time is medicine

Stocking feet on hardwood floors,
Fireplaces and melting s'mores,
Folded into the comfort
Of new sheets and old friends,
Electric signs and pickup lines,
Underage and out of mind,
Perfumes idle by
To haunt our dreams tonight.

Schematics, drawings, master plans,
Have left the safety of my hands,
The ink is dried and can't be used,
The playwright works without his muse.

Fingernail marks and lipstick stains,
Find their place and mark the page,
As we walk through nights to get away
Through puddles of thoughts in peaceful rains,
Kisses unfinished and chances not taken,
Rise to the surface like cream as we're aging,
Showing smiles that we force to our faces
While our true feelings hide like the sketch beneath paintings.

Dreams, desires, whims and wishes,
Sabotaged and surreptitious,
Youth betrayed by matter and mind,
The sun sets on golden days, leaving us in the dark and blind.

~dm~

It was rainy today, which always seems to inspire me to write. It's January and I think it needs to start snowing again soon. I'm not a fan of cleaning snow off of cars, but I really like watching it fall and the way it looks when it's on the ground. Today was really unexpected and things turned out in a way I didn't think they would, perhaps for the best. I think it will all turn out okay... ok, not really. I don't know why I typed that because I actually don't think that. All I think about is how I don't think anything will go right and I'll never move on from this part of life. I can't make a decision and stick to it, I get into one thing but then I get concerned about it and think I should change everything, which just slows down any process I begin. Knowing this should be a good start to changing it, but I've known this for some time and still I'm the same person. Who knows. Good day.

Live again, live again....

The road is narrow, the horizon wide
And they say what's waiting on the other side
Is so rewarding and the ultimate prize
But what good is something if you can't have it until you die?

Desperate, tenacious, clinging like a grain of sand
Watching its foundation wash away (wash away)
Drunk with the assertions they know they can't defend
Confident that they might live again.

Live again, live again!
Would you give it all up to live again?
Live again, live again!
Would you give it all up to live again?

Temptation, revalation, you decide
Torture shows its colors often in disguise
Progress and purpose help us realize
We pass along a brighter faith even though it must be blind.

Desperate, tenacious, clinging like a grain of sand
Watching its foundation wash away (wash away)
Drunk with the assertions they know they can't defend
Confident that they might live again.

(badreligion)

Pull Up, Pull Up

This is what I feel like today. Like Zach Braff in Garden State. He's waiting tables with a bunch of people all around him but he's completely zoned out. It's not just because I was waiting tables, I've just felt this way all day. I guess I've got a lot on my mind and things aren't working out exactly like I hoped they would. I'm usually pretty good at hiding my emotion, but I guess I wasn't today. It's like I'm doing all this work but what am I working towards? And am I going to be happy when I get there? Should I take the safe path or the interesting one on the chance I'll be able to make something of it? I really don't know, but I don't have time to waste on wondering. I need to make a decision.

"Los Angeles Tower, this is Transworld 22 Heavy, we are going down! Mayday Mayday!"

"I can't afford to make another mistake...

like you." tsl

Choices, choices
And you know it's just not me
Hearing voices
Hard to think that's who you'd be

It's always harder choosing sides
I've never been good at picking fights
I keep my head up, but I'm losing sight
And you know I can never take my time

I'm looking for inspiration
It's not that hard to find
You're sitting on the rock
That it's hiding behind

I'm tripping over virtue
and falling into self-respect
This light went on so long ago
But this fall shattered my shadow

You've used up all your flames
And I've been trying to stay warm next to the ashes
As your solid courage
Melts into liquid lies

I walk along the desert roads
Dried up tributaries to our river
Crossing the time-scarred plains
Flowing to my heart like veins

I never noticed this
You'd never know this
I pretend I'm ok
With the pretense

The seconds tick away in your stare
I've got no more to share
Because you know time is money
and this is worth more than mine is honey.

..dm..hbtm..

Seeing Your Breath

Long winded blowing
Excuses keep flowing
From my tongue like rain from the gutter
I'll tell you that there is no other
Just like you
And that is true
I can't say that I love you
But I want a few things from you
You don't seem like you're with me here
But your lust is in just one more beer
I feel your lips crash into mine
But another face is on my mind
Give me passage and I'll go the distance
I tread the path of least resistance
I return ashamed from unscaled walls
On selfless hearts my pain befalls
You're not the one but I'm the fool
I'll settle like a rock at the bottom of a pool
I spend my days alone and wonder
If it's her thumb or mine I can't get out from under
Words and time display what I'm all about
I'm scared to settle in but more to go without.

Storm to Weather

You look like you're distressed, my dear
A nervous smile from ear to ear
Falling to your knees under the weight of this halo
Just take it off because it really never fit you
Boil it down and find out what's meant to be
There was no gold and surely nothing holy
Give back these fingers - this hand wasn't meant for you
You're just the needle scratching the record we dance to
A flickering light from a second floor window
That signals my loss, might as well be a widow
I follow these curves 'til I crash near your lips
Where I once brushed death with my fingertips
These pictures aren't highways and memories not cars
It could be the reason I never get very far
The floodgates have opened and the townsfolk will flee
I'd rather sink than swim just to hope you'd rescue me.

/dm/

Wax Museum

I've lost your gaze
The one that saw me go so many times
Your twilight stare
That watched me turn my back and leave you behind
I've chosen my stance
Where I remain unchanged and lonely
My unwavering postion
Hands reaching out for the one and only

Staring at the night sky that blankets this unholy abyss
Stars twinkling with a rhythmic pulse like I used to hear with my head on your chest
Cold winds draw my outstretched arms to either side
As the darkness meets the morning like a new groom to his bride

I've lost all faith now
The little I ever had to begin with
My trainwrecked hope
That never reached my station like I'd wished
You've gotten so far
Don't let me bring you back from a good place
Kept me just out of sight
But out of mind is a reality I can't ever face

Walking the fruitless deserts of my familiar neighborhood
Ghosts come out of houses and headlights, but they don't know they do me no good
The frigid morning sunrise acts as no deterrent
Holding an unlit candle just for you, but all of my matches are already burnt

(dm)

It burned out the whole spectrum

Holding steady at the edge, but a strong wind could shake my grip loose
Missing you like the last puzzle piece that's not in the box
Without you nothing is complete and this picture lacks meaning
I feel you in the dark but know I'm by my lonesome
Your eyes are flashing bulbs capturing the moment
Between the sheets of lies and empty promises we write pages of future regrets
This night's lust will be eclipsed by the rationale brought by the morning sun
I've got keys to locks that don't exist
I try them in your door like internal organs that just don't fit

..dm..moretocome..

Nobody knows me

I'm feeling extra empty today, not for lack of trying to fill myself with food and family.
Holidays are vaccuums that can suck the life out of you.
It's like i'm incapable of genuine emotion.
It hasn't even been that long since I felt, or thought I did.
But you've lost your appeal like a bad lawyer.
I guess you can trust in the fact that everyone can let you down.
And you can hold on to that if you're a heartbroken, insensitive narcissist.
Like me.
I just want to let go and hope I'll float off, weightless.
The chords and drums from my speakers echo the invisible tears I cry.
This is a rant and nothing better.
When I'm feeling alone I need to make friends out of new words.
Maybe it's because when I stand still for a moment, I can easily see all that's passing me by.
I need to get moving or I won't recognize anything anymore.
Keep lowering the bar.. cuz I'm falling down and I want another drink.

~dm~dm~dm~dm~dm~

Dreaming Dearly Departed

I'm opening up to the undertow of us pulling away
I'm fishing for a fresh feeling and you're the catch of the day
I'm standing on a stepping stone in your poison pond
And drowning from your fragrance of which I was fond
We're driving with the windows down in winter
Watching cars collide calmly with concrete and splinter
Distant descriptions of decomposition
And corpses come crawling with hopes of contrition
Waking up to the sickening sound of a pipe organ
And the scent of sex on a sunday morning
The procession proceeds past polite passers-by
Earning momentary respect from each earnest eye
Alkaline kisses can't come between kindred lips
Lessons learned over time leave lesser men betwixt
Resignation rarely rears its head in recognition
But buried beneath bluegrass beats a heart we're missing.

~dm

Magnetic North

She wraps herself in her favorite songs like a blanket on a cold morning
but she still can't warm her feet
Her fingers clench a pen tap, tap, tapping on blank notebook pages
but she just can't find the words
She opens a window to breathe fresh air she can't find in her room
but the oxygen never seems to reach her lungs
Her thoughts circle the track like a holiday toy train
but the bridge is out ahead

This is the evolution of a girl whose legs just couldn't carry her
To all the places she saw in dreams and knew she'd go
As life would pass her fast and faster still her dreams depart
She sat awake and still like a river trying to change its flow

She stirs her fears in with her bread and bakes for days
but when it rises she's only more afraid
Her crimson lips met golden skin in gorgeous valleys on her face
but she hid herself in mountains far away
She holds her shoulders back and stands up straight with pride
but her bones slouch sadly inside
Her words drain slowly cold from the faucet at her mouth
but there is no heater to warm them

This is the destruction of a girl whose arms couldn't reach out far enough
To catch all the things she knew she could get
As time passed her slowly and stranger still her life moved past
She sat staring at her ocean like a captain with no idea which direction was home

What have you sewn?

I step out from the shade and feel the sun
It does little to warm this body
Just illuminates the pain inside
And presents it with a smile on my face
I know I'll never get the things I want
Still I walk along with this swagger
Finding hope in every passing moment
But remaining a hopelessly desperate child
I want you all to myself
But I'll do just what I want
You know I'd come if your voice called me
I'll be there for you, just not alone
I stand here humbled by the world
It passes by while I sit still
Curtains pulled to stay in darkness
Hiding the face you don't want to see
I have my standards and you have yours
If you're not like me, what are you still here for?
Riding vanity like a cold wave to the shore
I'll be sticking around but you can't take anymore
Ducking down low where you've set the bar
It's not uncommon to play these things
If you can't be happy with what you've got
Put on a haze with your scarf and take a shot
Unfinished words dig below you like shovels
The ground is moist and ready to hold you
Bury your sins with your words and never visit
They'll come back as soon as you wish they wouldn't

~dm~

Are you dying to believe

..I can't go on without you?

I can't see so well.
I'm limited to what's right in front of me.
The cold from the window.
The tap of the rain on the glass.
The smell of this sweatshirt.
The rug beneath my feet.
This familiar happy feeling.
The one that never lasts.
Clever words woven together in shapes I've made before.
This water isn't changing into wine.
I need something stronger.
What's the point of "used to be's" and "i remember's"?
Sad reminders that you had it better once.
What's to come, could it be as good?

"And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if anything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again." ~FF

Home from home

I'm sitting staring at the darkness that surrounds the square light of my laptop.
It's just black, but a familiar black.
If the only light went out, I could find the door or the pen lying next to my bookshelf.
It's the same darkness I've stared at for so many years.
Sitting on the same bed in the same room.
Walking down the same hallways and stairs.
Pacing up and down the same driveway on the phone at night.
Looking through the same branches from the same tree to see the same stars.
Driving the same roads to the same places time and again.
I'm always running away, but I'm never getting anywhere.
Always somewhere new, but I never stay.
New roads, new skylines, new people and new bridges.
All fleeting and left behind to return to familiarity.
I want to drive away and watch the scenery behind me fall apart.
Watch it deconstructed like a movie set.
The places I once knew reduced to open space with no trace of home.
I want to cross over that bridge once more and see it fall into the river.
Could I stay away?
Would I drive on and make a new life in a new place?
Or would I rebuild the bridge and put back up the town just how I knew it?
What is home?
Can it be reduced to a single dwelling or a collection of streets and well-known sights?
Could it be just a feeling, with no permanent locale?
Perhaps it's different for everyone, but I'm ready to find out how far I can take this home.

Dark Day

I'm lying flat, waiting
Ready for surgeons to purge this feeling from my brain
I've been in this bed forever
I'm not sure that I could walk upright even if I tried
Legs like numb concrete
It hurts to even consider walking away from this
I try to speak, to no avail
Every word cuts my throat like pieces of glass
My words are stuck inside
Escaping only as raspy grunts and coughs
Pounding inside my skull
Wanting to traverse these neurons to find freedom
Knocking at my temples
Refusing to stay locked up without at least attempting jailbreak
Hands freezing and blue
Like I've been holding these frigid metal bars for days
Turning my head from the sun
My only sanctuary lies in dreams and disillusionment.

..dm..

About rain

Is it raining where you are?
It hasn’t stopped for a while here
I wonder if it’s real anymore
Or if I’m seeing clouds where its clear
The last puddle I had to jump over
Soaked the back of my legs
And the umbrella that kept me dry
Is gone like the last words you said
The door is unlocked to come in
But the heater’s still broken
Colder inside than out
Like stories heard but not spoken
Stairways well-lit by lamps
Dusted off like shelves in an attic
Streaks unite the sky with ground
And the change in temperature is dramatic

I want to know your plans

Welcome to apathy. Or is it numbness. I wonder how I can be so affected by everything, yet so oblivious to it at the same time. I need something to keep me believing that the world's not gone dead. The news I got recently is hard to deliver, because I'm so unaffected by it for some reason. It's something that should be hitting me pretty hard, but I feel like the only way I can properly express it is through typing, so I can use the correct punctuation to convey the feelings I should be feeling.

How long can I drive towards a brick wall before I turn the wheel and get back on a road that's going somewhere? I don't have a map, but I've got a pretty good sense of direction. It's much easier without a backseat driver and I left my conscious tied up to the train tracks with black ribbon. I can't follow the plans I don't have since I never thought I'd get this far anyway. Maybe confidence isn't one of my better qualities but in these neighborhoods, showing off something like that could get you killed.

Open wounds, out of tune,
Carried away on the wind,
Singing them back to me,
Keep their melody in my head,
Finger paint, on your face,
Another artist's work displayed,
Showing it off to me,
Reminder of what I can't be,
Bitter words, weigh down your tongue,
Saving them for quick retorts,
I'll be your mirror,
So just spit them out at me,
Cold winds, bumps on your skin,
Here to warn you of Winter,
My tree's losing leaves and color,
I need some care to last to Spring.

/dm

A little far for me to reach

I can see you hanging,
Feet limp and dangling,
From the thumbtack on my wall,
Hanging, waiting to cut and fall,
The best damn actress,
Flowered and backless,
Dress held up by a spine I can't see,
Keeping your thoughts safe from me,
The fairy tale is endless,
I'll call my next witness,
Lying in bed while you're lying,
In bed, to me.

...dm

Don't say a word

I've been doing nothing today because there's nothing to do.
Listening to music and reading.
I'm about to go out and take some pictures to be productive.
Sure, I've got some homework but that's for later.

I'm ready for Autumn to arrive.
We shouldn't have the air conditioning on in October.

I would have just asked her
But that would be so out of character
I'm feeling off-center
All my letters have been returned to their sender

I can scream because nobody's listening.

These leaves remind me of you...
Beautiful no matter what color they're wearing.

Take me home

It's still wet outside, but I can see things now.
Yesterday provided an awesome storm for me to watch.
The wind blew out the sun like a candle with its breath of black clouds.
The trees staggered in the gales like early morning drunks.
And the rain came down in sheets.
I never really understood that term until yesterday.
I enjoyed myself next to the window, just watching.

It's another early morning for me.
Another day destined to disappoint.
I guess nine days is enough to kill my batteries.
I need a re-charge.
Anyone wanna take a trip with me? Just a quick one.

~
I'll make some really nice plans out of clay
And bake them in the kiln of your mind
So I can take them out and adore them
Just to smash them on the ground outside

I'll hold this idea out in front of you
So you can smell it turning to anticipation
And pull it away as your mouth is watering
So your saliva quickly turns to tears

I'll stop by the store to get another chance
That you can use and lose like the others
I've been saving up for a while now
And I'll just go out and get you another

I'll read page after page of this novel
Hoping to find myself trapped in the words
This bystander needs to take action
Maybe as a villain to become a main character

*dm*

Over and out (the door)

The sun is up, but its dark in my room.
I've got nothing of note to say.
Just staring at the sunlight on my wall filtered through my curtains.
Your words credit me with the downfall of all that is good.
When I only try to do right for you.
I can't be perfect, but I guess I don't try hard enough.
That regulation area in my brain doesn't work very well sometimes.
And sometimes it works all too well, you know.
Holding my thoughts hostage like a dam holding a reservoir.
And when it comes down, hold your breath because you're going to be submerged.
You've seen this, done this.
I almost feel like you know how to swim in my waters.
Almost.

Sometimes I think being able to sketch a picture of these words would be more helpful.
What would I draw where my eyes go?
Crystal balls that can see the future but can't change it..?
And my mouth?
A political bullhorn shouting what you want to hear until the press has packed and left..?
My heart?
A glass.. half-full or half-empty; either way waiting to be topped off or finally drained of the rest..
My mind..
A camera. With unlimited exposures and the ability to adjust the aperture and contrast to make any picture look amazing to me..
And at my feet?
A road less-traveled, forking at another juncture; legs waiting for the glass in my chest or the pictures in my head to urge them forward in one direction.

Of all the fruitless searches,
You can trace the footsteps back to love,
Looking for solace in that vessel,
Finding a home for your insecurities,
Locking them in the bottom of that chest,
The lock secured by state and minister,
The tinder cured by the soul you've chosen,
To keep the rain from wearing it away,
That soul can't keep the seal forever,
You can stop the rain and shine on for them,
Or pour down in torrents,
Releasing the lock that held you together.

...you can only do what you think is right
...losing faith, but thinking you gained insight
...blame yourself or blame your friends
...it's you who suffers in the end
...of turmoil and nights without a prayer
...search on, but no one will be there
...aiming low can't make bad look better
...she can't destroy this if you don't let her.

~shineon~dm~

Just let me

I'm listening to new songs that will soon be old favorites.
I have this familiar feeling of my dreams washing away in heavy rains.
Like I'm making that call and dialing every number just to hang up when it rings once.
I miss smiles that are just for me.
The ones that stretch across my face when you leave me with that feeling.
The ones that show up with my back to you, against a door or my car.
The ones I direct at your back, watching your hair for movement suggesting you'd turn for one last look before I'm gone.
I wish this space between us was only geography.
I'm unplugged electric and I'm ready to be turned on.
I need to feel that touch.
That shock to my system I get touching your exposed wires.
I'm just the scraps that cling to your notebook wire after you rip out a page.
I'm ready to be the pages penned full of poetry you love.
I can fill the space between the covers.

(dm)

"Just let me sing you to sleep.. Rest assured if you start to doze, then I'll tuck you in, plant my lips where your necklaces close." ~ tsc

Drive yourself insane tonight..

..it's not that far away and I just filled up your tank earlier today. ~alk3

I don't write on here enough anymore, I'm usually writing with a pen because my computer screen is occupied by old episodes of House. I'm going to attempt to write more since I always read other blogs and I wanna put something out again too. This may be a hodgepodge of random things I've been writing/thinking for a while now.

The sun rests its head on your windowsill,
It beckons for me to pull back the covers,
I'd rather stay sleeping
beside the only thing that really shines for me,
The clouds hang high,
Resting atop trees; guiding me home,
Following the flow of traffic
but driving against the grain of my carved soul,
These thoughts speed around my mind,
Circling like drivers without a pacecar,
These cars don't stop
there's enough fuel here to keep them racing,
The sun will fall into the landscape,
Assuring me it will rise on us again,
It lights the moon
so I can find my way back anytime I need to.

9/28/07
You've always been my favorite road to drive on,
Autumn nights and summer days,
But the sun is gone and left the cold,
It sent the clouds to drop the rain,
And wash away the friction we shared,
My tires and your asphalt grip,
Quickly letting go of the bond we hold,
Our car is drifting out of control,
You'll be my slippery highway road,
And I'm your burning wreck.

~dm~

I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months. It's gonna be a good autumn, probably my favorite season. However, I can't wait until ski season returns! Keep your head up.

Clouds

Falling asleep
Falling like an anchor from your lips
Holding in place, next to me, the vessel that carries me away
Sailing me off into the sunset of your eyes
Exploring the majestic seas in your mind
With the wind at our backs, we can go anywhere
The open ocean is ours to explore
No harbor too far from our reach
Each kiss filling the sails to carry us away
I stare at the horizon and see a paradise unknown to the world
I fell asleep in heaven
And I woke up on a cloud...

(dm)

Still keeping me awake..

September always starts with a feeling of change
This year is no different, just much more noticeable

It's hard to think I'll be parting with all of you
When I have such trouble parting with your lips
My fingers will be typing to stay in touch
When they'll be longing to touch your face
I'll miss the yawns during goodbyes
The cool pre-dawn drives
Watching the last star fade away
The morning has arrived
I'll miss knowing you're not far
Even if it still wasn't close enough
And lying half-asleep in the glow
That sings our favorite songs to us

Good night/good morning
.dm.

Silencer

The rain falls hard to its target below
Each drop plotting an attack and hitting its mark
Every step on the asphalt soaks into me
And translates itself into a shiver calling for Autumn.
The confessions of a lonely summer night
Heard only by shadows cast on flooded gutters
Every smack of water on the ground acts as my silencer
Masking every shot I take at myself.
The wind arches the trees away from me
Like they're telling me I should turn around and leave
As leaves fall at my feet like dying butterflies
I walk on watching their futile attempt to take flight again.
I can feel the Summer leaving, but it won't get away
Not before I take it by the hand one last time to dance
I'm on the hardwood just waiting for the deejay's cue
And we'll dance the Summer night through September.

We really need to see this through..

I miss blink.. reunion tour, please.

I'm going kayaking now. Maybe it will be relaxing. I'm pretty sure that's not what I want though.

I'm in the mood right now where I just need to listen to music and get out of my own head.
So I'm going to the lake with my Zen (that's my mp3 player for all you iPod folk) and I'm probably going to drop it in the water and have to buy a new one.

..we never wanted to be abused.

.dm.

It's colder than I remember it being in August..

I'm the only one that decided I didn't need a hoodie...

Over the motorway...

From the steps of the art museum...

A symbol of America & a funny look...

Staring contest, you and me, right now...

Yes, we went to Philadelphia. We did the South Street walk and got hot beverages (in August!!) since it was cold out. We had a few beers while waiting around and then headed to the art museum to enjoy the crisp autumn-like air and the view. We encountered deer, naked men displaying themselves proudly, and even bears! Yes, it was quite exciting, as was the time we spent waiting in the car for the pretzel factory to open.. (note to self: it's not open until 1AM on Friday night) But once we had pretzels in hand it was all worth it. A good soundtrack and hands-free pretzels were the ride home. An awesome night and now I'll try to sleep. G'night!

.dm.

I love everything about you that hurts..

I would ask why I kid myself, but I'm not alone in the ruse.
Picturing myself able to be in pictures I see.
That's a room that this hotel won't be renting out soon, I fear.
The last occupant's ghost is still holding onto the key.
No plans for exorcism though.
I'll just have to be content with ghosts of my own.
"Kisses I remember so well.."
Memory, the most over-booked haunted hotel.
Sometimes the silence from a phone is louder than the ring.
Stories half-told tend to make up their own endings.
Pick up a thousand words or so from every picture I see and I've got my novel written, this one doesn't have a happy ending.
It hasn't been published yet, maybe my editor could suggest some revisions to fill in the holes I've hastily covered with the only dirt I had.
Or just use what's left over to bury me alive.

.dm.

Six States Deep

This country is an ocean and I'm fishing from the side of the map.
I've had the same catch on my line for quite some time now.
Who knew this line was so long?
Miles of highway are fathoms to the deep.
States are leagues closer to the sea floor and mysterious creatures.
That seems fitting.
Who knew this pole could bend so much without cracking?
Try as they may, no other fish could shake you from this hook or take you as bait.
Riding my own sinking feeling now to the sand on the ocean floor.
Hoping one more tug on this line will be a good enough reason to let yourself be reeled in.

dm.

Planted

We're only flowers.
Planted in the ground among other flowers.
Growing up and reaching toward the sun.
Everyday is bright and fresh.
Until one day we're picked and taken to new exciting places.
We brighten the place up for a few weeks, maybe even longer; people take notice.
But as time goes by we're overlooked and fade into the scenery.
Then we start to wilt and droop.
The life sucked out of us by our surroundings.
As we shrivel and sag, we're noticed again but for the wrong reasons.
We're hung up in a closet, dry and dead, as nothing but a memory.
Or we're thrown back into the garden to rejoin the dirt.
And hope to grow back out of the ground and be picked again.
Just to have every petal plucked before finally declaring "she loves you not."

dm.